Phoenix Men We've All Dated

Hello Internet,

So the Phoenix New Times, which I hold in no higher or lower regard than any other free locally circulated news/current event source funded by awful ads, featured an online article "10 Phoenix Ladies You've Probably Dated".  At least 5 of my FB friends have posted about saying it is sexist trash. I usually try to avoid what a friend of mine calls rage clicking, but predictable mainstream articles relating to gender are my biggest weak point.  I wasted 15 minutes of my life, I will spare you this and summarize: the author doesn't like girls who party too much, are spoiled, or vote republican.  Somehow he turned that into a list of ten.  Seriously, don't even search it out, it isn't remotely funny or amusing, it's like watching the sex scene from Oldboy when you already know the end. Ten times.  I am so embarrassed at having read it that I have made a new rule: every time I indulge in rage clicking or shallow controversy click bait, I must write a satirical response.  So here it is: Phoenix Men I Imagine People Date.

Now, the Internet, I know what you're probably thinking: "What would I look like if I were an animated pony gif?"  Let's table that discussion for now though and talk about why a heterosexual cis-male ought to write about dating guys and why someone ought to read it.  The only thing I can say other than "Because I went through all this trouble and you've already read this far" is that I'm unbiased because I'm not sexually attracted to men.  If I am to assume "Phx Girls Everyone Dates" isn't pure engineered click-bait dictated by algorithms with no one person actually generating the content, the biggest problem is that the guy's bitterness towards women distracts the reader from any point the author is making and directs their focus on what caused this guy to hate party girls.  Is his entire opinion of women dictated by tabloids and FM radio shock jocks from 1998? Does he consistently sabotage his personal development by only dating women who party and drink excessively and try to force them into monogamy?  The other main problem is that none of the girls pointed out are really a local phenomenon.  There are republicans and girls who like to party more than some men are comfortable with everywhere. So here are a few behavior patterns/social phenomenons I've observed that are specific to men in the valley and what I imagine a romantic relationship with them would be like.

Pushy East Coast Transplant.  They are constantly apologizing for being too aggressive, and also will "warn you" that if they seem cold or in a hurry to "get to the point", they don't mean to be rude it's just that they're from the east coast.  I can surmise two reasons for this: 1) Like everyone else, they are trying to define themselves, or 2)  If the reason they moved here isn't something they are ashamed of (couldn't compete in their field in the cut-throat NE market, needed to leave before they went insane, etc), they are afraid that people think that is why they are here, so either way they are compensating.  

Where to find: Sports bars, where they can sit next to you, buy you a drink, and loudly cheer for any NY or Boston or Philly team until you give in and ask, "Big Mets fan, eh?"  

What to expect when dating them: To not be able to get a word in edgewise.  And for them to get drunk and tell their friends how they miss tough east coast broads.

The Liberal Poser.  In the grand tradition of men with no taste or convictions of their own, politics accounts for more feigned interest than Duran Duran, jazz, Shakespeare, and Nietzsche combined.  Of course, there is no statistic to prove this (most statisticians are just doing it to get laid, so...)  The liberal poser takes all the worst parts of stereotypical liberals: a smug certainty that they are part of the most educated movement, that whatever they do is definitely not part of the problem, unexamined adherence to anything a credible source* says is in the name of progress.  The liberal poser is widespread, but the redneck past of so many Phx residents/transplants, combined with the accessibility and concentration of activist groups and a fairly laid back lifestyle gives rise to a certain breed that is allowed to flourish unchecked.  It is often difficult to detect, but one decent indicator is that they treat causes and divisive issues like sports conflicts.  Since their stances are derived not from genuine concern for the future of humanity but rather just a character they have forced themselves to be, the people on the "other side" of theae issues are soulless monsters who must be converted, not understood. 

Where to find: Any green "tupperware party" type events. Fund raisers, bicycle collectives, protests, volunteer events.  They aren't necessarily using these events as a singles club, but their participation has a prominent spot on the aural CV distributed at parties and on Ok Cupid.

What to expect when dating them: A guy who is totally fine with whatever unconventional things you want to do, until you tell him you are only into open relationships.  Then he'll just start dating someone else without telling them about you, and casually break up via text after not calling for a week. In his head: "Ah, she was probably over it by then anyway. Besides, if she's into open relationships, she probably only forms weak emotional attachments."

*ie, anything but themselves.

Delusional Libertarian Biker.  They are trying to preserve the lifestyle of the old west, but they've got a day job.  They don't wear helmets, and they have health insurance.  They don't like the rules... specifically, ones that interfere with their personal agenda of drunk driving, reverently objectifying women, and being the most armed person in the room.  I say "reverently" objectifying women because in my completely outsider perspective of biker culture, women are respected and revered in a way that seems to render them somewhere between a largely incomprehensible sexual deity and ego currency.

Where to find: Pretty widespread, really.  Scottsdale mostly though.

What to expect when dating them:  A lot first world rebellion, complaining about drunk driving checkpoints, and a dense tapestry of rules regarding your conduct with other men. And every time he meets new people, he'll bring up how Obamacare is preventing him from opening his tattoo shop.

Bourgie Quasi-Hipster.  This is just a regional variant, made distinct by the proximity to LA. After spending their early twenties interning and building a career, they are trying to settle down as sleekly as possible.  They are especially style conscious and trying to distinguish themselves with their hobbies and travels.

Where to find: In large groups at Bar Smith trying to have a conversation on the roof despite the deafening house music and all the people grinding against them, then over to Hanny's to talk about how great it is the kitchen stays open until one and how the way you cut prosciutto is just as important as the quality of the meat. At Lux on Sunday afternoon editing photos of a wedding.  They've taken up photography, the most immediately validating hobby apart from casual sex.

What to expect when dating them: Either exactly what you like, or else you wouldn't notice this person exists. They resemble wallpaper wherever they are.  Their pants are so indistinct I often am alarmed to see a floating haircut without legs.

The Escape Capsule For Two. He is looking for somebody, anybody who fits a set list of criteria to start a committed relationship with and move somewhere else. This is the desert transplant variety of the serial codependent, who likely moved out here with a previous significant other. They don't like it here, but lack the resolve or initiative to leave on their own.

Where to find: Places that you and other people like you statistically are likely to be. The internet.

What to expect when dating them: At first, some truly transparent prospecting for their personal hangups both present and speculative in a ways that are insulting and passive-aggressive (He's afraid you're gonna get fat: "Cool, so I like to go hiking and stuff, I like to stay active" That you might be wasting his time: "So yeah like I went through my one-time hookup phase a few years ago..." You better not have shitty credit: "I'd like to own a house at some point, but I really don't like buying a lot of stuff otherwise.  I really don't wanna talk about money though.  I'm weird like that.)  If you pass this scrutiny, he will officially begin making your relationship into a social media meme until he feels it is established, then he will start trying to convince you your relationships with your friends aren't really all that deep: "So where would your dream wedding be? Madagascar, wow.  So which of your friends would you invite?  You don't think they would go? I'd definitely go!  Haha, yeah, I know. But seriously though, makes you think..."



Ok Cupid Breakfast Club. When you do something often, you start to get really good at it. If it is something that you can be good at. Is there a way to get good at searching for internet porn? Or do you just become more efficient and particular in what features you're looking for? I am not going to try to impose my values, I am just here to describe observed behavior. In a large city, dating sites are a starry sky of twinkling soul mates and glistening orifi to be experimented with in an environment nearly devoid of social consequences.  In a smaller city however, it seems you end up with people self-colonized by sexual and social proclivities.

Where to find them: Widespread.

What to expect when dating them: at least 5 other sexual partners who will probably be into the same stuff as you!

Part-time Journeying Fake Shaman. Took a few classes at SWIHA, but have not finished any of the programs because they are unattached to the construct of completing things.  Has a fascinating narrative for why any established practices of western medicine are wrong, which he will tell you as he rolls up a cigarette. Constantly reminding you of how real and intense a good reiki session feels, and that you should have a session with him.

Where to find: If you're in Phx, go on Facebook. Go to "nearby events". Anything with "drum", "tribal", or "retrograde".  Or go on Craig's List and look up "rideshare to Sedona". Or just register on Groupon and get one of the "$10 month of yoga" offers that pop up every week and go hog wild.

What to expect when dating them: It'll be great, he'll accept everything you do, and you'll accept everything he does... until you don't accept something, and then the relationship ends, and you'll both be okay with that and still hang out, and maybe even keep having sex... and it'll be just like when the relationship was still on, and you'll be okay with this... until you're not okay with it anymore, and he accepts that, and you both burn sage and stop talking, and you'll be totally fine with that.  And you will start looking at your time stuck in traffic on the I-17 every day a "spiritual journey".