Things Every Man Should Learn in His 20's (Written For a Magazine That Wants to Sell Me High-End Watches)

So every time I visit my parents, there's always a bunch of men's magazines lying around with these "20 Things No Man Over 30 Should Do" or "Lessons All Men Should Have Learned in Their Twenties".  I decided to make an exercise of phrasing them as accurately as I can remember them, but gently satirizing the essence of what I loath about every one of them.  The key word is "gently", for when you despise something it takes extra restraint to not be outwardly sarcastic, passive aggressive, or critical.

Dress your age.  Have at least two decent suits that fit.  The shoes you wear for exercise should be worn for nothing else.  Same goes for the shoes you wear to the office, to formal affairs, and on weekends.  Ditch all relics of teen angst, life is hard enough without dragging around the uniform from every heady phase you've ever gone through.  

Don't fall behind on picking up bar tabs.  Your friends are politely pretending not to notice.  If you can't afford to drink, you shouldn't be out anyway. You should be scouring the internet trying to find a better job.

It feels good to get behind political causes and stand up for what you believe in, but don't let it take over your life. By age 30, if the risk of living paycheck to paycheck without insurance doesn't bother you, you're very skilled at not paying attention.  Fix that.

Kids happen, plan accordingly.  Everything else is just a temporary phase you'll get over.

Never have a drink that is more than 25% mixed with grain alcohol before 2pm and never anything less than 50% after 7pm.

The internet is full of people who are skilled at making excuses for why they are not successful.  Do not buy into the cynicism of the "bad job market" or "bad economy".  Let others be intimidated, use that to your advantage.

Women are drawn to a confident man who is in control of his life.  Approaching a woman with the excessive nervous chatter that was charming in your early twenties will cause them to subconsciously eliminate you from their mating pool.

If you're thinking about buying it, and it fits in your budget, just buy it.  Your time is worth too much to be spent over-analyzing small indulgences, and you obviously want it.

Stop wasting your time on things that don't enhance your resume or earn you money.  Jealously guard your time, for it is the one thing that once it is lost you can never get it back.

Stop thinking that you are an exception to things.  All the ways you assess people, they are assessing you that way as well.  If you are reading this list and disregarding the parts that don't make you feel good, you're doing it wrong.

Feeling depressed or doubtful? Work out.  By the time you're done, whatever it was that was bothering you will have vanished.

How others perceive you is just as important as how you perceive yourself.  I know you've been told not to worry about the opinions of others, but comparing yourself to others is a really good motivator to achieve greatness.  If you're just trying to be good enough for yourself, how are you ever going to progress towards amounting to something better?

  

$100 isn't a lot of money.  It just isn't.

Stop buying anything at yard sales.  If you still have five-dollar furniture, then people are going to infer a lot about your level of maturity from what they see (and it's probably a pretty accurate assumption). 

Have a savings account.  Contribute to it.  You will find fiscal irresponsibility at this age to be unforgivable the older you get.

You are what you do for a living.  When you introduce yourself to people and they ask what you do for a living, and you have an imaginary asterisk at the end of that answer, they are not padding their assessment of you with the narrative excuses that you are.

Value your free time.  Make sure you have free time, and schedule how you are going to spend it ahead of time.

Eastern philosophies can be either an escapist barrier to achieving greatness or they can be what enables you to manage the stress while you achieve greatness. Like everything else, it all depends on how you use it.

Keep up with your watch, have it serviced every three years or when you change the battery.  Also, have a watch.  People with places to be at designated times have watches.

Everything you do is recorded in some way that employers can find.  Accept that and embrace it, and use it to your advantage that others may not.  Your reputation is the one resource that once it is lost you can never get it back.