The Assist

Yeah he's still back, slash never really left. ... He commutes to school, (our) mom just... She bought him pants ... I was so upset, like, I told her to return them. 
...

Like, with a degree in that, you need to intern while you get your degree. Otherwise it looks terrible on paper. ... And he wants to work for Facebook? Facebook is like “Go get your experience somewhere else, we don’t want you until you do, we’re not here to train you. (There is a hidden agenda to this level of enthusiasm for his role as the "bearer of tough love".  Is he bitter about the way the world has treated him?  Or is he angry that other people have priorities that he does not understand? I already hate him, is it because of my sympathy for her boyfriend or do I just hate aggressive vain pricks? The latter.)

Speaking of indecision Oh yeah, how is ? I just don't know where it is going And neither does he, and I guess he's taking it out on me?

...

Maybe it’s because I’m hearing it all at once, because we haven’t talked in a while, but it seems like you’ve been bottling this up for months. (Exaggerating her barely audible gripe. This guilt trip serves the following purposes: A) puts her on defensive so she won't notice that her misfortune makes him act slightly jovial. B) Casts him as sexually threatening, as though he can't be around when she is in a relationship or else they'll do something, that there is some palpable sexual tension.)

He's just ...  ... But I still love him ...

This guy just sounds like… a drain on society. Like, this guy is the reason socialist countries can’t work. (Silence. This could be when she shuts herself off to him for his vitriol. Will he take the hint?)

You need someone who is invested so you can take a break every now and then, maybe take some time for creative endeavors. Part of the problem with hipster type guys is there are relatively few of them who are reliable. (Don't you know? Creativity and financial instability is for women. So you should date me, and after we move in and get married I will convince you to take some time off of work for creative endeavors or to find yourself or some other bullshit so you’ll become more dependent on me. From there I will easily convince you that we should have children, and I will own you forever!)

...

I was an idiot, why didn’t I date you? (Likes giving people what they want so they'll leave her alone.)

...
You don’t need to feel guilty because you don’t get to that point unless shit is really fucked up. If you’re upset about this, you are already at the point where you’ve done enough. (I hope the glaringly faulty logic of this sentence overshadows my bias)

I know, but it’s just hard… (I like venting to you, but nothing you are saying makes me feel better)

My goal…

Is to take over my life.

Book Deal

That was possibly the craziest summer of my life, man.  I kept a journal of it all so I wouldn't forget, I'm thinking of pitching it to a publisher...

(Secretary walks into Chief Editor's office)

Secretary: Sir? It's Ryan Mayberry, your 11 o'clock.

Chief Editor: Excellent, send him in.

(Ryan enters, they shake hands.)

Cheif Editor: Ryan Mayberry?  Mitchell Stellcraft, chief editor at Major Publishing Company, have a seat.

Ryan: Mr. Stellcraft, thank you for taking the time to speak to me today on such short notice.

Mitchell: My pleasure Ryan, I just happened to have this little spot open up last minute.  I'd like to say I read your manuscript, but I'm a busy man.  Tell me why you're here.

Ryan: So I kept a journal when I was doing some contract work for the military in the Czech Republic a few years ago-

Mitchell: Very nice, good military reporting always does well. What were you guys doing in the Czech Republic?

Ryan: I'm not sure I remember, because I just got wasted the whole time!

Mitchell: I'm confused... please elaborate.

Ryan: Let me explain.  I was there going out with other soldiers every night just getting shitfaced!  The bars there are sick, and the women are even sicker.  Czech girls are not used to guys buying drinks for them, European men don't do that.  Plus, they have a romanticized view of America, and they've always wondered what it would be like to have an American man treat them right, you know?  I was always out with the same three guys, and they all had their thing they did at the end of the night.  Andy was always in a corner puking all over the place and apologizing to the bar staff.  Rob was always trying to start a fight with someone, and Rich was always with like two freaky girls ready to get freaky.  This chick I was sorta seeing, we kept turning on Midnight in Paris when we got in, but we were so wasted we kept falling asleep so I only saw like three-fourths of it.  But I was thinking, my book could be like that.  I could totally be like Owen Wilson, and my friend Rob could be Hemmingway... and Richie could be Shakespeare cause he's so smooth with the ladies, y'know? Andy is so Hunter S. Thompson, he even got us coke one night and-

Mitchell: Ok now, hold on a minute... you guys did cocaine?  That's awesome!

Ryan: I know!  We did it all weekend...

Mitchell: And you wrote about it?

Ryan: It's all in my diary.  I banged like, 3 Polish girls that week.  I have a few deep observations about the difference between Polish girls and Czech girls from that part, but I don't wanna give too much away.

Mitchell: I don't want to reveal too much, but Ryan: this is the sort of  material we've been looking for.  Regular Americans we can all relate to doing just crazy things in foreign countries.

Ryan: I have this one friend who is a DJ at this club. He spins at the Chrome Rose tonight.  We should go chill and talk things over.

Mitchell: Woah, you know a DJ?

Ryan: Totally, I go there every week and buy him a drink, we're real close.

Mitchel: That's remarkable!  Let's meet at 7:30. Oh, and I can totally expense it.

Ryan: Wait, what!?

Mitchell: Totally. After all, I'll be having lunch with an author.

(They laugh and shake hands)

Thoughts of a Dancing Man (And the Waitress He's Courting)

I saw her earlier, I hope she hasn't left yet. Well if she was still here then she's probably closing.

Ok, 25 minutes left and I'm leaving.  If Jeannette thinks I'm going to stay late and wrap silverware off the clock because she spent all night flirting w/ Kalan again...  Was that guy just dancing?

Should I face the back wall?  I mean, why would I face the doorway?  If I face the wall, it will look like I really just don't even care if people see me. I'll just look like a guy casually practicing his hip hop dance routine in an empty room at a café.  No wait, I've seen the way I look from behind, my arms look super boney and the back of my head comes to a point. Plus I need to make eye contact with her and look all young and optimistic, like I haven't been defeated by the world. I'm pretty sure that's been my problem. Girls like a guy who has dreams and ambitions.  Otherwise the relationship just turns into codependency.  

Do I want to walk by that room again?  It looked like he had headphones on, so that means I don't have to acknowledge him, right?  I could walk around the other way... DAMMIT! Roger is over there, and he'll definitely say something to me, I've been avoiding him all night.  Ugh.  "Regulars" at a cafe is just a fancy word for stalkers who tip.

I wonder if she has ambitions like I do.  She works as a waitress at a cafe right now, but maybe she goes to ASU? This is a bit of a drive from ASU.  Wait, this place is closer to Grand Canyon University than ASU.  Fuck, that would mean she's weird and Christian.  Is someone being Christian reason enough to not date them?  No way, that can't be right! That would make me a bigot or something, right? I mean, I don't know if I'd be down with waiting until marriage for sex, but maybe I could convince her to go all the way sooner... like maybe a few weeks? Wait, is what I am thinking about rape?   

Fuck, I still need to clear out that room.  What if there's someone in there? That would be so creepy.  Should I like, ask Joe to go kick him out?  He looks so young and optimistic though, like he hasn't been defeated by the world.

Oh shit, here she comes!  She's... she's totally ignoring me and trying to clean the tables. SHIT, she thinks I'm a weirdo.  I should just get out of her way.  Yeah, and I'll mutter things about my routine, like a... a soliloquy and shit, like I'm a tortured genius!  I can totally imagine someone being interviewed about their rise to fame and their humble beginnings practicing in alleys and in the back rooms in coffee houses.  I'm just working hard, I'm so focused and I don't even notice she's there.  I'm dedicated, and I don't even give a shit about her. Girls like a guy who seems like he doesn't give a shit.

Oh god he's one of those people who says all of his thoughts out loud like he's narrating his life, even when nobody is around.  Well, I'm around, but I don't count.  Wait. No, I totally count. Why the fuck is he saying this shit out loud when I'm in the room? I gotta tell him he can't do this here.

Other customers? What other customers?  Man, I can't take this, she's walking all over me.   I gotta come back with something or she won't respect me.

Oh god that was so awkward.  Of course the room was empty, he probably scared everyone out.  It felt good to confront someone though.  Does that make me an oppressor?  Am I the world weighing down on him? Crushing his dreams?  Oh man, I totally want to go tell Jeannette about this... but if I do that I'll be roped into wrapping up silverware for sure.

Wait, she's standing just outside the doorway... I can see her shadow.  Play it cool, maybe she's about to come back in and apologize. Nope, she's walking away... yeah, she's definitely going to tell her coworkers about me.  Now for the walk of shame.  I'll leave my headphones on.  Shit, the cord hits the floor.  I'll just wrap it up and put it in my pocket.

Hanging Off the Edge of a Cliff

Man, you gotta stop doing that!

What? Pulling up people who are hanging off the edge of a cliff?

Yeah, don't do that.  We'll end up dealing with a ton of people hanging from cliffs.  We won't have any customers. Just people hanging off cliffs.

That's ridiculous, I was just trying to help the guy out.

You're not seeing the big picture here.  If we're nice to people hanging off the edge of a cliff, they'll come back with their friends who are hanging off the edge of a cliff.

But-

Everybody's trying to look cool and hook people up, even people hanging off the edge of a cliff.  Look, if you were a person hanging off the edge of a cliff trying to get some people hanging off the edge of a cliff pussy, wouldn't you tell that edge of a cliff pussy about where she can get pulled up?

First of all, if I was a person hanging off the edge of a cliff, pussy would be the last thing on my mind.  I'd be too worried about the condition of my balls.

When you're hanging off the edge of a cliff, you don't care about your balls.

Anyway, there's nothing we can do to stop people hanging off a cliff from coming here. I mean, they built this shit right by that cliff.  They had to know what they were getting into.  This ain't the Biltmore, yo!

I doubt that cliff was there before they opened the doors here. Or at least it wasn't that high of a cliff.

Man, that same cliff has been here forever. Opening a store on this block is like saying, "Hey! People hanging off the edge of a cliff! Come and ask us for free rope."  Anyway, what else have we got these courtesy ropes for?

They're just gonna end up back on the cliff again anyway.

But they keep the rope, so they can re-use it.

They're just gonna throw the rope out, or lose it when they're like on meth or whatever.  And by the way, you didn't throw him the courtesy rope. You threw him the deluxe rope.  If management starts noticing that the rope inventory is low and I get stuck counting ropes four nights a week, I'm gonna kick your ass.

Man, what you got against people hanging off the edges of cliffs, anyway? People hanging off the edge of a cliff say the funniest shit sometimes, you know?

Smartphone Screens are Huge

Inner thoughts interpreted from observed behavior of a girl around 20 years old who takes a break from reading an article in a sociology journal (ostensibly mining it for the required external sources for a research paper) to take a selfie.  She looks at the pic and creates a blank message and keeps looking at two names in her phone:  Erica and Dave.

This'll do. My chin is doing that thing, but my tits look huge... what did Lindsey say, "Tastefully spilling" over my sports bra?  Dave would totally lose his shit if I send this.  Am I in the mood for that?  That'll pretty much guarantee that I'll end up spending the night again...should I do that?  Continue to encourage this? I don't want to just go home and pass out, but I don't know if I'm up for all that. I miss Erica, I should send it to her, this really captures where I'm at in life right now, buried in text books and all discombobulated. I miss her so much and she sent me that pic of her dogs so I owe her... look at them, so adorable. I hope I get to see them when I go home for Thanksgiving.  but if I start talking to her I won't get anything done and I'll be on the phone all night bullshitting about high school and Santa Cruz. But I do miss her.  Dave is so chill. Maybe I could just send him the pic and and see him Friday? But a Wednesday booty call is so perfect, I could use that this week. It'll be like a temporary weekend! Ugh I still have so much to do here.

Dave is perfect for nights like this, he is like clockwork. Never keeps me up too late, good for a solid three times, the third being right before work which is nice.  He's like sleeping pills and an alarm clock! lol  He always promises me breakfast but never gets up on time for both, and I can stop at Starbucks for one of those things! lol  I just hope he's not getting the wrong idea.  Should I wait until he texts me? No, because then I'd be encouraging him; I'd be rewarding him for reaching out to me.

I hope he doesn't wanna sext, I don't have energy for that shit. Id have to take a shower and stuff. This new phone is so... vivid. Too vivid. Oh god, my forehead is shining, let me try this again. How do I keep getting greasy? There's no humidity here! Where does it come from?

Though that time he sent me those pics when I was driving was so fucking hot. I completely lost control... Could that happen right now? Maybe I should just trust the moment. Yeah.  Ok I'll do it! Fuck, this screen is huge, what if he replies with a dick pic? That'd be unlike him tho, he never jumps right into it. Plus the pic clearly shows where I am. What am I doing? I need to finish this assignment. This is a cute pic though. Ill just post it on Facebook.

Squanderings

She looks

Then he looks

Those people moved.

She touches

Then he is touched

They decide on an order.

He grabs

Then she is grabbed

They wait for their order.

He whispers

She hears

Oh, those people.

He releases

She is released

Their coffee is ready.

She walks

He is behind

Seating is scarce.

He holds a face

She scans the room

The couch is ideal but her drink is not.

He sits the weight off his face
She walks the length of preparation
Several times to perfection
Laugh away the chaos
Sub-nest hangs in the balance
One look

One touch

One order

One grab

Several people
Several paces
Two faces later
It's all ready.

Phoenix Passive-Aggressive Art Criticism Interpretation Guide

It's fairly universal, but written based on local observations.

“Hey, I meant to ask, how did your opening go last night?”

1. Sorry, I didn’t go because your art bores me but I like you as a person, or 2. Sorry, I decided not to go to your opening but instead to hang out at a bar where other people who didn’t go to your opening talk about what might be going on there.

“It was an intimate crowd at last night’s opening.”

Nobody showed up, motherfucker!

“It’s very abstract!”

What the fuck is this crap? Did you even try? Or did you assume we’d all think “Well, the artist clearly meant to do something ambitious but it was too fucking hot out to actually put thought into it.”

“Clearly, you have found your wheel-house.” 

This is basically the same thing you’ve been doing for the past 6 years.

“The titles and captions really add a new element to the experience.”

Why do artists try speaking? Forget you ever learned what words are, they don’t serve you at all

“You have a great sense of composition.”

Oh no! Your parents spent $130K on art school and all it did was teach you how to frame an image, but you still don’t have any imagination.

“This is really nice. I wish I had enough free time to paint like this...”

I have no concept whatsoever of how much time and effort goes into developing a craft.

“Your process is intriguing.”

Ah yes, very commonly used around sculptures and metal work.  It could mean, “How the fuck did you make something this awful?” or in less extreme cases, “It looks awful, but I’d like to reserve judgment. Who knows, maybe part of your process involves wearing a bag of wrenches around your balls whenever you're sculpting, that would explain the complete lack of attention to detail.

“I don’t give out compliments easily, but… “

I say this at every gallery I visit. I also probably wear this fucking hat to bed at night.

“I feel like people give too many insincere compliments, so I always try to point out at least one thing I don’t like or I think needs improvement about a piece.”

Don’t worry, I am just going to find something really minute about your piece that will not challenge you at all, so you can continue making shitty art and I can continue complaining about your shitty art to our mutual friends, that way we both still have something to do.

"There's a sense of urgency, I like it."

You obviously rushed through this between bouts of going to bars and talking about yourself, I hate it.

"That’d make a cool tattoo!"  

"Couldn’t find somebody who wants that permanently on their skin? Weird!"  Or "That looks like it belongs on a crappy t-shirt."

“Huh. Zombie... Ninja... Steampunk... Kitten robots. That's... really random!”

Ran out of ideas, didn’t you?