20 Things

Jane: Happy Thanksgiving, 20 Things You Should Learn By Age 30!

20 Things You Should Know By Age 30: You're wishing me "Happy Thanksgiving" at 11:30 at night.  Something must be wrong in your life.

Jane: Oh, 20 Things... You always say that!

20 Things: Am I ever wrong?

Jane: Umm...

20 Things: Just tell me what you want.

Jane: Well, ok.  So I decided to be like, a shut-in for Thanksgiving this year.  It's easy for me because I don't have any family out here... you know how I moved here from Rhode Island, right?

20 Things: Yes, I am in general pleased with people being mobile in their twenties.  Good job!  Just make sure you settle down soon.

Jane: Thank you.  Anyway, I just think that Thanksgiving is just a bunch of bullcrap really.  I'm tired of hearing about what stores are open, who is eating what... it's like the day of the year where every obnoxious trait of American culture is concentrated like whale pee.

20 Things: Whale pee?

Jane: Yeah, whales have the most concentrated urine in the animal kingdom. I learned that from another click-bait article.

20 Things: Whatever. Stop putting energy into being random and clever, it's not cool anymore.  Sonic commercials are random.  Old Spice commercials are random.  Are either of those things cool?  No.  Wait, is that a Sonic ad up there? Shit. I mean... Sonic is actually pretty cool.  You should go there over lunch at work. They have free wifi, so you can edit your resume and cover letters and shoot a few off. Stop spending time at a job you hate.

Jane: Thanks. So I decided to just spend the day alone, reading and doing chores.  I thought it would be fun, but then nobody texted me or wished me a happy Thanksgiving.

20 Things: And now you're bummed.

Jane: Yes.

20 Things: Hmm.  And real friends are supposed to be there for you, unless... maybe your friends are still not at a stable enough point in their lives to know they're supposed to send everyone they care about appropriate holiday greetings. You might have to get over your fears and start doing new things to get some better friends.

Jane: Well, I don't know if I want to go that far, I mean I don't even care about Thanksgiving...

20 Things: Why are you rallying against people having fun?  Look, you're almost 30.  By now you should know that if you harbor negativity, people probably consider you a toxic presence.  You should take this as a sign to improve the way you present yourself to people.  The way people treat you is a good indicator of what kind of life you lead.  You spend too much time having shallow interactions on social media.  Have you even once hand-written a letter to a friend?

Jane: My handwriting is ugly!

20 Things: Stop making excuses and start living your life. That is why Mark gave up on you.

Jane: Mark and I broke up because I told him I wasn't sure if I wanted kids.

20 Things: Mark was tired of waiting for you to make a decision about the direction of your life while you squander your momentum on opinions and anxiety about social issues.  Let me ask you something: what have you done to actually change anything? Posting about it on Facebook doesn't count.

Jane: ...

20 Things: Speechless, just like the rest of your generation when I ask them that.

Jane: I... I'm sorry.

20 Things: There's no need to apologize, you can't be expected to have it all figured out.  It is entirely possible that your life's calling is trying to find out what your life's calling is for the rest of your life.  Besides, Mark didn't like jazz. It would have never worked out.

Jane: Yeah, to hell with Mark! Wait, why was I here?

20 Things: It's more about the journey than the destination...

Jane: That's right, Thanksgiving. Fuck Thanksgiving. At least I'm not gonna get fat.

20 Things: You should learn to be OK with your body.

Jane: But look at that girl in yoga pants on the beach right there...

20 Things: Don't be angry with her just because her metabolism is faster than yours.

Jane: I could have a body like that if I didn't work so much.

20 Things: Stop using "busy" as an excuse and start taking proactive steps towards figuring your life out.  Do you even have a mentor?

Jane: A mentor?  I don't... how do I get a mentor?

20 Things: Just find someone you admire and write to them, ask for advice.  They'll probably ignore you, so write to them again. You have to be assertive and aggressive if you want to get anywhere.

Jane: That sounds awkward, I don't want to bother people and I don't want a mentor. I don't admire anybody in a way that would make me want them as a mentor.

20 Things: The truth doesn't change in accordance with your ability to stomach it. I could produce a list of successful people who all had mentors if you like.

Jane: Well OK, but is there a less creepy version of that where I don't have to basically stalk people and face constant awkward rejections?

20 Things: Approach everyone with the humble assumption that you can learn something from them.

Jane: That's much better.  I'm gonna make myself a ham sandwich and go to bed.

20 Things: You should learn to take care of yourself and form good habits now.

Jane: I'll wake up really early and do hot yoga.

20 Things: OK. I'll whisper the names of remarkable people and what time they wake up in the morning.