Vacation Remnants

Ellis and Phyllis Mifflecreet were packing, preparing to conclude their daring vacation at a remote resort in northeastern Argentina in the province of Misiones. They were doing right now what they've been doing most of the journey: rationalizing the trip to one another, mostly with words paraphrased from the Wikipedia, Frommers, and Nat'l Geographic articles which they had independently studied before planning the itinerary. Having absorbed far too much of one another over the years, they resembled two overfilled balloons, too full to be tied so they just keep taking in more of each others hot air, often trembling in anticipation of whatever great pop which will send at least one of them spiraling across the room.

One only acquires a name like "Ellis" through legitimate and organized means. There are now lawmakers in his lineage, but his family always seem to benefit from the world as it is currently set up. He is heir to no permanent income; but rather more of a straight line of effort, as though someone wrote a simple letter on a pile of carbon paper. Each generation is assigned a sheet by which to express themselves. He noticed some of the words were blurry, but he still wanted what he was entitled to, so in order to maintain moral equilibrium he lives his life by a strict code of conduct that allows regimented indulgence paired with states of frantic penance; all of which he imposes upon everyone else as much as upon himself. A blend of Christianity and his own personal philosophies gleaned from old movies and classic American authors.

They were carefully folding their pleated slacks, thinking about which ones they would assign priority to in the instance of a hangar shortage. Then a stowaway crawled out of an open bag. It ran under the bed, then crawled up the lowest point of the bed skirt onto the surface, which it blended with pretty convincingly. The tastefully subdued linens which the Mifflecreets keep in their home would scarcely resemble the markings of a venomous spider from South America with a 5 inch leg span, but they didn't choose their vacation spot by bedroom linens. Nor did they plan an encounter with the Phoneutria nigriventer, commonly known as the Brazilian Wandering Spider or the Banana Spider (as it often stows away in crates of bananas). Their bag did not contain bananas, but gifts for friends and future conversation pieces at dinner parties. Anybody who would be invited to such an event would already know the Mifflecreets went to South America, but the displayed souvenirs would serve well during the panic of quiet moments that occur far too soon to entreat a graceful exit.

Of course any couple about to leave the beautiful, warm, humid seclusion of Argentina who add tedious extra steps to organizing their luggage must have advanced experience with avoiding sex. Despite a healthy, even impressive track record for the first couple decades of the marriage, the combination of a stressful lifestyle and unhealthy eating habits have left Ellis incapable of physical intimacy. He and Phyllis agreed that it would be sinful to include alternative modes of stimulation and pharmaceuticals into the bedroom, so the unpleasant topic was allowed to drop. This made him feel comfortable, as he was then absolved from responsibility with no shortage of valid well-documented excuses. She was distraught at first; she wasn't ready for this chapter of their life together to be over. After years of ignoring temptation, once her children moved out her friends set her up with some pre-screened men, thus tying all loose ends for an airtight rationalization.

The Brazilian Walking Spider was hiding in the crevice made when the blanket is tucked over and partially under the pillows. They made the bed themselves as they always do on vacation when they woke up at 5:35 AM; it kept them busy they were waiting for breakfast to be available. It was now 9:30 and they were done packing, with several hours until they had to leave for the airport. They decided to visit their favorite vantage point, which overlooked a flat path that they were both still physically capable of exploring but at no point took the initiative. Phyllis was sure to make Ellis feel the weight of her curiosity to walk the pathway. Ellis begun his usual protest process with his skeptical groan as he removed his sandals and retrieved from his suitcase the most convenient socks and shoes, which happened to be the more active and durable pair. These shoes gave him the option to actually explore the walkway, thus eliminating one of his excuses. He felt his control over the decision slipping from his grip as he leaned back on the bed to pull on his left sock. He felt a small impact on his hip, immediately followed by a sharp pain that left him breathless for a second, stymieing an otherwise embarrassing screech into a hiccup. They both froze at the glance of the spider as it zipped towards temporary oblivion. They tried to retain dignity as they swatted at it with their shoes the way a reluctant debutante might swing a wine bottle at a reincarnation of Hitler; fighting for their lives but also prepared to rebound into composure if the specter were to vanish. The spider exited through the window, and Phyllis called for help as Ellis scanned online reference material, identifying the species very quickly.

They sent the only medic available, who asked a few routine questions and assured Ellis that he was going to be fine and if he remained calm he would suffer significantly less. His lack of muscle spasms and erratic breathing rate were good signs... the medic's command of English was far greater than his pronunciation lead one to believe, and when he mentioned "priapism" it slipped right by the both of them. Ellis didn't catch it, even though he had read it in his quick research. After the medic left, Ellis went to the bathroom to relieve himself... and after 25 minutes of "be out it a second", Phyllis demanded to know what was going on in there. When he emerged, he was sporting a rehearsed grimace and a pert erection. She laughed at how undignified he appeared at this moment. He explained that the "situation" was a very uncomfortable effect of the venom called "priapism", it may last several hours and hopefully won't require medical attention. The more he tried to be taken seriously, the less she heard him. All she could think of is that it was even bigger than she remembered. She was absently discussing possible plans of action when she interrupted herself to make a far more practical suggestion. She viewed this as an amazing opportunity for a worthy finale to their sex life. Ellis disagreed, he felt that it was a false representation of him and that even though it was not harnessed from a pill it was still not natural. Phyllis found her self once again absently participating in a useless conversation, as he lectured her about the medical research being done on the spider's toxin that was causing this priapism and how it may be incorporated into Viagra in the future, and how the erection was not because of his feelings for her, that she would be defiling herself by partaking in false pleasure. Then she thought about his weakened state. When he was done talking, she helped him to his feet to get a glass of water. She admitted that he was right and that there was no reason for them to sin. They sat down next to one another on the bed. As he tried to hold her hand, she proceeded to push him onto his back and sit on his chest in order to remove his pants. As she tried to flop onto his now exposed involuntary erection, he rolled over off the bed and stood up. He begged on behalf of their virtue, with his back to the corner near the window he pleaded that this isn't God's plan. When that didn't work, he tried to guilt her about the spider bite and how sick he felt. He saw the familiar expression she gave when she decided what restaurant they would go to or which house they would move into, so he threw in his whammy card and pretended to faint. Without hesitation she pounced on and started grinding. All he could do then was swing his arms side to side and call out towards the open window. She stuffed both of his socks into his mouth, and amidst fits of passion she proudly proclaimed her intentions to ride him until they had to leave for the airport as she tied his wrists together with an ugly paisley necktie*. It was at this point, when he had no course of action aside from passive acceptance, that he ceased his struggling. After a couple hours of inert staring, he clenched his jaw and trembled in such a way that spider venom doesn't cause. After a silent trip to the airport, the incident was not discussed.

They still made people endure a stodgy dinner party. Their friends and family close their eyes for a roll as they are directed to pass the veggies clockwise and the meats and starches counter-clockwise. Everything they discuss from their trip could be found in various reference material without visiting Argentina, which makes some people wonder why they go on these trips at all. Phyllis and Ellis' drinks still never get around to melting any ice as they ramble about each item from the latest trip as well as certain "classic" items, as though their dinner parties have a "Greatest Hits" compilation in the making. This year, however, everyone is dismissed earlier than usual. Somewhere in a hollowed trinket from their South America trip is a small vial of mysterious substance. Tonight it will be accessed in secret, the way it always is whenever Ellis wears his ugly paisley necktie.


*every year one of their kids gets him another hideous paisley necktie that they know he hasn't the sense of style to realize is completely at odds with the rest of his wardrobe. Phyllis can't stand them, but Ellis thinks they are funny and wears them whenever he wants people to think he has a sense of humor.