Degradation

I treat women the way I treat boners: always excited to show them off at the Old Country Buffet whenever I have one.

I pick my women the way I pick my scabs: the younger they are, the more they bleed.

I choose my women like I choose my cell phone: smaller than they were three years ago and permanently set to silent.

I take my prostitutes like I take my salsa: chunky with free refills.

I use women they way I use my subway pass: 2 or 3 rides and then donate them to a needy homeless person.

I enjoy my women the way I used to enjoy free trials of Cinemax & HBO: all the orgasms I can handle for a few weeks until they ask for money, then I spend the rest of the year jerking off while thinking about it.

I take a girl the way I take a suicide pill: once.

I eat pussy like I eat fast food: convince myself that it is ok to eat the cheese, and wipe off all the sperm from those other guys.

I use women the way I use the toilet: one massive disgusting poorly managed load stops her flow, then I panic and leave it for the next guy.

I treat women the way people treat their pets: pretend they have a personality so they feel better about it when they have sex with them.

I treat women the way Snapple treats the general public: distract them with interesting facts that can't be verified at the moment so they'll drink the nasty juice.

I take my women the way I take Splenda: I see them at Denny's at 2AM and for some reason I take them home with me, but the following morning they are nowhere near my coffee.

I fuck women the way I brush my teeth: It's just what I tell people I'm doing while I'm really just sitting on the toilet thinking about life.

I handle my women the way I handle dreams: when they are around I can't seem to fully appreciate or understand them, and when I wake up and they're gone I often spend many potentially productive hours trying to recapture them. In the rare instance that I do, they aren't quite the same as they were for reasons I can't explain.

I treat women the way I treat pumpkins: I used degrade them and use them for sex, but I have since found that I enjoy them more when I give them a smile and let them stick around.

I feel in an airport men's room how women must feel at bars: surrounded by disoriented awkward men trying to act smooth when they really just can't wait to take out their dicks; and then they try to maintain dignity as they discreetly fart. Yet still even after this they want to be taken seriously.

I take men the way I take Prince: I don't really care what your name is, and I don't care if my friends discover that I find you attractive.

I do men like I do boxing: land one cheap shot then claim my wrist hurts too much to finish the match and then I go bragging about it to my friends about it.

I fuck men the way I play darts: I swear that I'm aiming for the Bull's Eye, but somehow I always end up hitting someone in the face.

Men are like bugs: they often come in my mouth when I'm sleeping.

I treat men the way I make paper airplanes: I fold them in a series of improbable angles for my amusement with no direction in mind, then I toss them and start a new sheet before they even hit the ground.

I do men like I pluck nose hairs: if it takes more than one pull I lose interest.

I take my men the way I take my coffee: full of my sperm.