Tales of a Narrow Cheese Rind

Foreword by the author: This is stupid.

I didn't used to look like this. Sure, like everybody else I had my humble beginnings in several misguided 4-cheese pizzas, and some poorly executed forays in the entertainment bizz. They couldn't give me away for free... People would look at me and say, "What the hell is that?" Under their breath they would talk about how I don't work well with Merlot. They don't know shit about Merlot, nobody worth a damn will work with fucking merlot. I'd rather come in individually wrapped slices than be able to work with fucking merlot. People couldn't even pronounce my name, so I was told to change it to "Sharp Cheddar". I took their suggestion for a while, those were some rough times. When an agent discovered me, I had a toothpick sticking out of my back outside a supermarket in Hell's Kitchen. After that I knew everything would be fine. I was the feature cheese in 11 pizzas, three without the accompaniment of other toppings, once without sauce. One time I did an avante-garde pizza without crust. I was a fixture at all the right parties; I had my space right between Boule De Lille and Tilsit. I was briefly in an international touring quartet with Brie, Beemster, and Campo De Montalban. Critics raved, "An intense, fiery start gives way to pleasant nuttiness, with a rich dry finish that makes us all feel a little more... human". Then someone suggested I do a project with "Spaghetti & Meatballs". At first I refused, saying I don't do that hokey wop bullshit. They wined and dined me and flattered me, saying I was perfect for the part, so aged and so hardened. Signing that contract was the biggest mistake of the latter portion of my career. I had to go through their middle man: a cheese grater. After my share of these grueling productions, this is what's left of me. No more taking center stage at parties, no more shackin' up with naive young Ritz crackers fresh from the package, and even Tilsit won't return my calls. They keep me around for my popular role in "Spaghetti and Meatballs", but every time they look at me I can see guilt in their eyes because I know they're thinking about getting rid of me... but hey, I know I'm good for at least one more show.