CRUSH!

I just wanted to do you a big favor. I know you think what you wrote was insightful and witty and biting, as well as whimsical and unexpected but not as though to try to be unexpected but that natural way of being unexpected that is so hard to accomplish... but it was really just weak. I mean if someone else ran with the idea you started it could have been great, but it looks like all you do is come up with unlikely situations and describe them in ways that are more "specific" than they are insightful or thought provoking... there is nothing special or especially appropriate about them. It's basically like the Family Guy, except at least Family Guy manages to be mainstream and absurd at the same time. You manage to be neither.

"Well thank you, I think you have a point, I could use some more experience and fine tuning. Thank you for being honest, it is-"

Ok, stop right there. First of all, don't tell me that my honesty is refreshing, which I know you were about to do. Yes you were, where else was that sentence going? Also stop trying to be all magnanimous, accepting my criticism gracefully as though we are journeyman experiencing some rough camaraderie in the rigorous process of "sharpening your craft" and that you can impress me by how courageously objective you are in response to my harsh words, as though in a few weeks we'll be drinking cider up the road talking about fucking Bulgakov or some shit. It is patronizing and inaccurate and it is rude to impose your ego and your comfortable fantasies onto someone who obviously sees through you. This distance you keep between yourself and the truth is just as apparent in your writing as it is in person. You've been lulled to sleep in the esurient arms of your delusions of grandeur. It is utterly painful to listen to you speak, and even more so that you genuinely don't know how hopeless each sentence you construct is, nor do you know how woeful the notion of any future efforts you may expend on what you call writing.

"Honestly I just do this for therapeutic reasons and because I enjoy it, I'm not trying to make a career out of it."

AHHHH! Stop acting like you aren't distraught right now, it is a conceited and vain pretense that you are trying to maintain an even tone while clenching your jaw like that and keeping a death grip on the strap of your laptop case. And no this isn't me masquerading as an observant bystander giving my opinion and projecting my insecurities on you, anybody in this room has noticed at least all of these egregious faults and probably more. Do you see yet how dire this situation is? Also, no way do you find it therapeutic to write about the strange thoughts you force yourself to indulge into essays and stories and poems. Each work is like a hose with your thumb over the outlet, spraying vanity all over the crowd. You're not blowing our minds, man! You know what will be therapeutic for you, as well as the rest of us? Stop writing. Stop trying to use your strange observations to assert superiority in the irrelevant domain of your imagination. Just enjoy your silly thoughts and let them pass the way the rest of us do. You're not listening, I can tell that you are trying to think of something to say.

"Don't flatter yourself, I don't care about what you are saying, I've stopped paying attention."

Alright. Feel free to act like you don't care, but in reality, I am now your largest influence, and I will follow you around for the rest of your life. Every time you are disillusioned and you're trying to decide whether to ever write another sentence, I'll be in your thoughts. Then you will continue to write just to spite me, then once you realize that you will try to repress all thoughts about me, building more mental scar tissue upon other mental scar tissue all from this confrontation.