Unexpected Congregation of Bullies from 1992 in Your Living Room

The following scene takes place in Brad's living room in his downtown apartment at 2:30 AM, as he walks out of the bathroom.

Brad: "Wait... what? Who are you guys? How did you get in here?"

"Hey, Braddie-Paddie! We're high-school bullies from 1992, and we came in through your TV. You left the CW on."

Brad: "Oh. Well what do you want?"

"Dude, we totally heard you jerking off in there."

Brad: "Well I'm sorry you had to listen to that. Must've been nasty."

"Well we're sorry you gotta date Rosie Palm and her 5 friends cause you can't get a real girl! We recorded it and we're gonna pass the tape around to all the chicks!"

Brad: "Wait, hold on... you stood out there listening to me jerk off? The whole time? That's a little weird. I mean, I took a dump afterwards, did you listen to and record that, too?"

"What? No, don't try to turn this around, you're the weirdo who yanks his canker!"

Brad: "Are you saying that you don't?"

"Umm, No!"

Brad: "Well if you don't that's cool I guess... what do you have against it?"

"Uhhh, nothing really..."

Brad: "This is backfiring on you, isn't it? Just so you know it is understood and widely accepted nowadays that everybody masturbates sometimes and it's not a big deal. It also doesn't mean you are dateless. Many guys get laid and take care of themselves on the side, whether it is to help control their endurance or because they just have to supplement themselves because their partner isn't as active as they are. Either way, it's discussed pretty openly and with little to no judgement, unlike the way it was in movies from 1992."

"Really? I guess that's cool..."

Brad: "What do you mean you 'guess it's cool'? Of course it's cool! It's another victory for freedom and tolerance."

"I mean, that's great for mankind on paper... but don't you miss making fun of people for pulling their pork? Even if it's a little umm... uh, hypocritical?"

Brad: "If we're going to have this conversation, please stop using different colourful terms for it, it isn't that funny anymore."

"See that's what I mean... back in the less 'enlightened' time we could jerk off and also make fun of people for doing it and everyone would laugh."

Brad: "Ah come on, it was inevitable that the jokes would get old."

"See, when you say a joke 'Got old', there is really a lot more going on. What you're saying is that society has become too jaded, or as you say 'tolerant' to laugh at a straightforward wack-off joke, and that is scary."

Brad: "Why is that scary?"

"Dude! Don't you see how the concept of infinite tolerance could be manipulated into propaganda to promote communal anarchy?"

Brad: "So? What's wrong with people being completely trusting of and reliant upon each other without the need for supervision?"

"Umm, the fact that not everybody is honest? It is pure scholarly wistful thinking that could never be practiced, bro."

Brad: "Well we won't find out if it could work until we enlighten people like you guys who would rather make fun of people jerking off than try to improve civilization."

"See, I think you need sticks in the mud like us to protect you from yourself. Any anarchist society would fall into mob rule, and the only people with power will be the largest and strongest or the most organized. Where does that leave malnourished Bukowski-reading pork-pullers like yourself?"

Brad: "I would adapt."

"Adapt?"

Brad: "Yes, adapt. Any shift towards anarchy would be gradual, giving me all the time I need."

"Dude, society is a pile of dead and brittle leaves and acts of revolution are matches; and you can't just burn the individual leaves you choose to and expect to know the outcome."

Brad: "Oh what was that? You totally had that planned!"

"I don't know what you're talking about?"

Brad: "You engineered this whole conversation just to get onto this topic and use that line about the leaves and matches. Fuck! Can't I masturbate just once without this bullshit?"