The Return of Captain Call-Out

So I spoke to an advisor at the University last week. I walked in, sat down and said that I'm unhappy with my current career and I'd like to be an English professor. I asked for suggestions, and here is what he said in response:

"Before you arrived, we took the liberty to pull up some records. We cross-referenced your email address and our IT department compiled some click-stream data from the University's website. It is all easily acquired information these days, took us about 10 minutes. In the past 18 months you have searched programs and even initiated cursory communication with advisers in fields ranging from psychology and social work to creative writing to culinary arts, at each instance citing how unhappy you are with your current career path and that you want to make a change. Well Mr. Murdock, I am here to tell you that you are not alone in this feeling. In fact, you fit a certain profile of remotely intelligent people with comfortable jobs that require no specific talent or training. See... jobs like these are meant for people like you. Indecisive, weak-willed, maybe good enough to do something better with yourself but will never work to your potential. Sure you may take a little initiative to seek alternatives, but like a stone rolling up a hill, your lack of focus drains all of your momentum before you reach the top, so you give up and try to roll back down that hill and use that momentum to ascend a different hill, but you always end up right back where you started. Specifically, you decide to start researching colleges, but you look at the requirements and decide that an academic environment is too constricting, so you'll just write more and get published, but you slowly realize that you don't have the chops and the background to really differentiate your natural talent from everybody else, so you start looking at schools again, almost oblivious to the cycle you're in but every now and then you snap out of it and realize how doomed your ambitions are, like a retard who is just smart enough to know he's retarded but not smart enough to do anything about it. Somewhere in the middle of all this you complacently read your favorite authors for vague inspiration or look for local workshops for a low-commitment way to hone your skills or you read at local open mics as you socialize and drink afterward, often surrounded by more focused, driven and successful individuals who make you feel like a loser. While you're out with them you get depressed, insecure, withdrawn and defensive and you drink too much and stumble home and you wake up late so you have to stay at work late to make up for it and accomplish next to nothing that day, ad infinitum.  These are all symptoms of a disorder I like to call Luke Skywalker Syndrome.  You need to feel like you are the chosen one, like you are fulfilling your destiny at whatever you decide to do, just by deciding to do it.  However, Luke Skywalker never needed to fill out endless paperwork, build up his resume from the bottom levitating cinder blocks at Rebel construction sites, or spend 12 years of his life studying ethics and quantum physics.  I know it sounds harmless and silly because it is Starwars, but rest assured, it is the poisoned wound from which you will be perpetually recovering until you die.  Also, you missed the registration deadline for classes because you were too busy dicking around with some improve troupe.  See you in 6 months."