Convoluted Reasons White People Can Rest Assured I'm Not Racist...

…and you might not be either! Check all that apply to you (and be honest):

-My Youtube ads are often in Spanish.

-Unemployed, thus not taking a job from PoC.

-I don't wear dreadlocks.

-None of my pants have pockets, so I can't check them when black people walk by.

-When my bike got stolen, I imagined a white guy took it.

-When I make a stir-fry on Sundays, I only use vegetables that grow in the same region, out of respect for the multitude of Asian cultural identities.

-If given the opportunity to own property in San Francisco, I'd turn it down.

-When I was walking by myself late last night, I was afraid of a white guy.

-I only call the police for noise complaints when the music is country or heavy metal.

-When someone's dog barks at a black person because they only have white friends, I kick the dog when nobody's looking so it'll bark at me, too. Solidarity!

-When nobody discreetly asks my date if she is “Ok” the way they would if I was black, I start mumbling aggressive-sounding gibberish until they do.

-I only jaywalk when the police aren't around, just like black people have to.

-When nobody is surprised by how articulate I am, I try to be even more articulate.

-When I walk past a police officer while wearing a hoodie, I give them a look. It's subtle, but I'm sure it follows them home.

-I heard iPhones use conflict minerals and awful labor practices. Good thing I use an Android!

-Related: I also don’t own a hybrid.

-My OK Cupid account doesn't say that I only date white people.

-I was never really into Amy Schumer anyway.

Score:

0-7 points - Uh oh, looks like somebody’s got a case of the still seeming kinda racists! Maybe try wandering around more ethnic grocery stores googling things. Also, you’d be amazed at how impolite you can get away with being to police officers as a white person.

8-12 points - Good, but you can do better. Just read more think pieces, they pretty much tell you how to act and what to say so you don’t seem racist. I’m pretty sure that’s what they’re there for...

13-18 points - *Ring ring* Hello, White Privilege? Yeah, just wanted to let you know that the package you sent is being returned. Unused! So you better stay home from your fancy tech job to sign for it! What’s that? You work from home? Th- that sounds pretty nice. Hey, do you think we can catch lunch some time this week?