Can I Read a Book At a Restaurant?

Brain: Wait just a minute there! Where do you think you're going with that book in your hand?

Me: Oh I'm going to read it and have dinner. At a restaurant.

Brain: Well, put it in a bag at least. You can't just walk into a restaurant with a book. Then they'll know.

Me: They'll know what?

Brain: Everything! All of your secrets! They'll know that, um... We'll get back to that. I think this just about getting attention.

Me: Attention?

Brain: Yeah! "Hey everyone! Look at me sitting at a table in the corner, quietly reading a book!"

Me: That doesn't make any sense!

Brain: You'll just look like white balding pseudo intellectual taking himself too seriously while people try to have fun and unwind.

White Guilt: Hey, black people can be bald pseudo-intellectuals, too!

Me: Not now white guilt. Not now.

Brain: What if the waitress asks you why you couldn't eat at home?

Me: That's not a question people working for tips ask!

Brain: Not to your face, but in the kitchen, they'll be wondering. Also guess what?

Me: What?

Brain: You assumed your server would be a woman. Pig.

Me: ...

Brain: How about this? If you can come up with a mission statement, I'll leave you alone.

Me: A mission statement?

Brain: Yeah! Something that justifies and declares your purpose.

Me: "I shall strive to eat food at the restaurant across the street from my apartment while reading a book for the purpose of intellectual and physical nourishment, utilizing all available resources, including food and this book."

Brain: That's weak.

Me: No it isn't!

Brain: Yes it is. It is too wordy, just like everything else you do, and it won't reach Millennials because it isn't social media friendly.

Me: I'M a millennial, and I am the entire audience for the campaign, and I accept it!

Brain: You're not a millennial, stop trying to deny your age!

Me: That's not even an anxiety I have! We're not having this conversation right now, it's getting late!

Brain: You're right, you should clean those dishes before they start to smell.

Me: Ok. ... Done. DAMMIT! You just distracted me. Now it's 9:30

Brain: Aw damn. You need to be eating before 10, otherwise it's weird.

Me: Oh yeah, you're right! I gotta hurry...  WAIT A MINUTE! You just made that up. That's it, we're going, and-

Brain: Thai food.

Me: What are you- NO!

Brain: Thai fooooooooood...

Me: Black bean burger and sweet potato fries!

Brain: Thaiiiiiii foooooooOoOoOoOoOoOoOooood...

Me: Nope! I'm walking now!

Brain: Of course you would walk on this side of the road. So predictable.

Me: Made it! Hah! I'm here at the restaurant! Reading a book! It's not a big deal! This discussion is over.

...

Brain: You're holding the book at an angle that makes it look like you want everyone to know what you're reading.

Brain: Also, you forgot your keys again.

Me: Dammit!