Minutes of Weekly Meeting of the Conspire Collective

Minutes of Weekly Meeting of the Conspire Collective

I'd like to say that I didn't use real names out of respect, but sadly, as often as I go there I just don't know anybody's name from the Conspire Collective. Besides, if I used real names it would just become even more of a big inside joke.



At 8:15 PM, Trevor Star called to order the week's meeting of the minds of Conspire Collective and asked where members Val, Ernie, & Carlos "The Yucca" Tanner acquired the Nutella they were eating with plastic spoons.

They replied that they bought it from ...the store.

Trevor Star reminded them that they can't keep stealing Nutella from Jobot, it is wrong and they're eventually going to catch on.

Ernie reminded Trevor Star that "Property is theft", which Trevor Star agreed with but suggested that that the quote should not be used to justify actual theft.

Val requested that Trevor Star define "should" and "actual theft".

Former Chairman Mr. Horse addressed Ernie and said that Karl Marx would disagree with him using Proudhon's quote,. He reminded everyone that Karl Marx took it a step further and said that 'theft' as a forcible violation of property presupposes the existence of property in the first place.

Mr. Horse was advised to get the fuck off Wikipedia and pay attention.

Trevor introduced the first order of business: A letter of complaint was received two days prior. A customer entered the building at 8:30 in the morning and nobody was around to help him. In a letter he left sticking out of the cash register, the customer said that he could have done and taken whatever he pleased, but he looked around felt sorry for "whoever runs this dump" and left $20 for the muffin he took. Trevor addressed Val, who is in charge of the morning shift, asking how she plans to prevent this from happening in the future.

Val's first suggested solution is to set all the clocks at Conspire and in her bedroom ahead by twenty minutes in order to trick herself.

Carlos gave a rebuttal, saying that that was her solution last time, and it doesn't seem to be helping. It seems that she just subtracts "20" from whatever time is showing on her clocks, and sometimes she doesn't even have her clock set ahead twenty minutes at all.

Val's second suggested solution is to try setting her clock forty seven minutes ahead of time, that way it is an awkward number so when she looks at the clock to see if she is running late, she won't feel like doing the difficult calculation to figure out what the real time is.

Carlos said that she would probably just round up and subtract "fifty" from whatever time is showing.

Val admitted that was probably what she would do, so she agreed to change all of the clocks in her room and at Conspire to be random increments of time away from the real time.

Gus commented that time is an arbitrary mental construct, and Ernie added that we should always be striving to transcend its confines.

Trevor Star moved on to the next agenda item: upcoming projects and promotions outside of the gallery. Carlos suggested that they hit this new development near the US Airways Center, with all the lights and chain stores and ugly architecture.

Val proposed that they mock the establishment by pushing Slinkies down the excessive stairways to highlight the fact that nobody is interested in the development and it is a failure and a waste of resources.

Carlos moved to initiate a fund drive for the purchase of Slinkies and to design drop boxes for Slinky donations.

Ernie suggested that they not provide the Slinky corporation with free publicity. He proposed that they use an independently produced children’s toy to make their point.

Mr. Horse started searching for local independently produced toys to push down the steps, when Gus pointed out the conflicting symbolism of pushing independently produced toys down the steps as part of a demonstration.

Val refuted that, suggesting that there is an extra layer of symbolism that nobody was considering; symbolism regarding the destructive relationship between the proliferation of large national retail chains and the smaller local businesses.

Carlos and Trevor Star vetoed the suggestion as it would be wasteful and disrespectful to push local independently produced toys down the steps. Several comparisons to Al Gore using a private jet to travel to climate change summits were made.

Ernie suggested they find a bunch of independently produced toys that they don't like, and push those down the steps.

After many disagreements that were stricken from the records about which toys they don't like, they decided to intentionally build toys that they don't like and push them down the stairs.

Mr. Horse brought to everyone's attention that the flights of stairs in the new downtown shopping center aren't long/high enough to accommodate everybody at once. He suggested that they stagger the toy pushing runs into half-hour increments, two pushers at a time making loops up and down the steps with one box at the top full of toys they made that they don’t like and they aren’t done until they fill the box at the bottom, and on their last turn they carry that box up to the top.

Val reminded Mr. Horse that not everybody dislikes the same toys, and that she didn’t want to push any toys that she actually liked down the corporate stairs.

After arbitrating which toys can be used by whom, Trevor Star begun to develop a schedule. The first shift was to start at 11AM and end at 11:30, but Ernie and Gus reminded him that they no longer acknowledge time.

Trevor Star dismissed everyone for a food break while he figured out a solution.

As the food was passed around, Trevor Star explained the plan of action after clicking his pen and repeating "Not a problem, no big deal" several times. Everybody will take turns pushing the toys that they made that they don't like down the steps in line formation, two at a time, until Ernie and Gus decide to take their shifts, whenever and for however long they turn out to be. At that point they will adjust the rest of the schedule accordingly.

Trevor Star then asked Carlos why he bought Burger King double cheeseburgers.

Carlos explained that he read an article about how Burger King started offering the dollar menu double cheeseburger to compete with McDonalds, and that the offer was poorly planned and executed, so BK actually loses money every time someone buys a dollar menu double cheeseburger. So Carlos has been spending every cent he can find on BK double cheeseburgers, and then smearing them all over the windows of SUVs and any store that leaves its lights on at night when they're closed.

The meeting was adjourned at 11:12 PM, just as the nearest Starbucks closed for the night.

Most Unappealing Conversations in History Part 5: Cluelessness Breeds

Cam went to see a musical theater production with his friend Melissa, who was in the other cast of the production. In case you don't know, theater productions (especially at the college level) are often "double cast" to serve the dual purpose of offering the performance opportunity to more candidates and to give those with more prominent roles time to rest (especially when there are multiple shows on certain days). Cam and Melissa dated for several years and it seemed they are in the preliminary stages of a rekindling. To continue the fire analogy, they have both admitted that they are "cold", but neither will yet acknowledge the nearby fireplace and ample supply of logs. Tonight's venture, however, is not considered a date. After they watched the show, rather than wait with the crowd, Melissa runs into the dressing room to pay her obligatory compliments, which are a form of currency meticulously documented in the minds of every performer. Cam is considering the options of what to do with the rest of the night, browsing his iPhone on a bench behind the somewhat polished crowd of people waiting facing the door nearest to the dressing room for their performer friends and family to emerge. Cam may have a loose affiliation with some people in the crowd, but he keeps a low profile in the force-field of being preoccupied. As the crowd dwindles he peers off the screen periodically to see if Melissa has returned yet. Eventually the last few people wander off and he lets the light dim on his phone. The janitor pushes the door open with great mirth, having completed his duties early. He walks halfway out the doorway and holds it open with the left side of his gut, which protrudes at least 12 inches from probably more gut. He looks at Cam and goes back inside and vanishes down a flight of steps. Cam thinks to himself, "Melissa is so loquacious. It is wonderful when I benefit from that, but I can't stand it when she loses track of time..." The janitor pops back out the door and Cam unlocks his phone and starts once again "occupying" himself as he approaches, clearly about to start a conversation. Here is how that exchange went:

Janitor: Y'know there's nobody down there in either dressing room.

Cam: Oh I'm just waiting for a friend, she should be here any minute.

Janitor: I just looked down there, I didn't see anybody. Is she in the cast?

Cam: Well she's in the other cast, we were just watching tonight. See she went down there to congratulate her cast mates...

Janitor: It's ok, I understand. So she didn't get cast. So what! It's no big deal.

Cam: No see, they had a split cast. She performs on Friday, Saturday and Sunday matinee.

Janitor: Are you sure you have the right show?

Cam: It's ok, I know she's coming and I'll just wait.

Janitor: OK.

Janitor: Does she know you're here?

Cam: Of course she does, she was my date. Err...

Janitor: Heheh, you don't look too sure of that. It seems like a simple thing to ask yourself, really. Was she or wasn't she?

Cam: I guess not technically. It's complicated.

Cam: We used to date, but now we're just friends who hang out a lot.

Cam: It's complicated!

Janitor: I get it, it must be complicated. You know a few months ago there was some kid who got the cops called on him. He overheard a certain young lady he was interested in tell some friends that she was going to a piano concert, so he just waited outside of the building for her. Turns out he had been stalking her for months, and once she saw him waiting outside she finally had enough and called campus security.

Janitor: You don't seem like that guy though.

Cam: Then why say anything?

Janitor: Just in case you are.

Janitor: So if you don't mind me asking what did you have planned for after the show?

Cam: What do you mean "if you don't mind me asking"? You just basically accused me of being a stalker!

Janitor: A lot of the students go to Schmidt's.

Cam: Yeah, we're not part of that crowd... We're thinking of somewhere more quiet.

Janitor: Man, she's really making you wait. I think it's time for plan B.

Janitor: If you know what I mean.

Cam: Nah, she'll be here, maybe she's in the restrooms.

Janitor: If you insist. I don't think you should put up with this disrespect.


It is at this point Melissa returns and they walk away.

Melissa: God, sorry that took so long. Bridget and I agreed that the conductor can't hold a tempo to save his life, so yeah we were talking about that for a while. Glad you made a friend, is he gonna come with us?

Cam: Y'know, I wouldn't mind that. After being surrounded by all the pretentious theater people, it is nice to have a simple conversation with someone without secret agendas.

And etc. Cam's humble act of philanthropy, augmented by alcohol, set the relationship ablaze once again that night.

Television

You are my television and you tell me I need to change. I'm watching the Discovery Channel, but when I wake up I'll only remember infomercials. I am blind to my self at times, when you are my only vantage point into reality, myself, and all interactions of the two. I seek your approval too much. Television tells me that television is bad for me. Another infomercial I suspect. We spend some time apart, but any attempt at romance is just another channel to me, and soon I am back into my old habits. Before I know it, I learn that I am no longer a man but also a television, and our relationship is that of a television watching a television. We try to entertain one another and it keeps us busy, but there is little joy. Then one day you burn out, but since you're still plugged in I spend several weeks listening to your residual buzzing. A force beyond my control carries you away and leaves me with the inevitable. I am now a television in search of somebody to watch me.

Monopoly: Political Commentary Edition

Congratulations on your purchase of Monopoly: Political Commentary Edition. Please select your characters from the following: CEO, Liberal Party Member, Tea Bagger, Green Party Member. Player one, you have selected Tea Bagger. You own utilities and one of the four railroads. You are almost out of money, but the CEO was kind enough to buy two of your railroad properties at face value in exchange for unlimited usage and executive power over those and all of your other assets. Players two and three, you have selected: Liberal Party Member. You will each own one or two of every property color, but neither one of you will own all three of any colour because you can't come to an agreement about what you would do afterwards. Player four, you have selected: CEO. You own Boardwalk and Park Place with hotels as well as funds generated by all of Tea Bagger's property. You are also in the seat nearest to the bank. You try to convince the liberal party players to remove regulations that prevent you from being able to forcibly purchase their assets, but promise not to use it. You argue on the grounds that, y'know, in a truly free market that sort of thing would be allowed. Player 5, you have selected Green Party Member. You will make a delicious burrito out of this board game. Enjoy it.

Ventilation

Person 1) Hi! I heard you had an awkward conversation earlier with someone who wasn't very sure of themselves.

Person 2) Ah yes, I remember not feeling that a follow-up was necessary, but I will pretend to not remember anything about it so we can have something to talk about.

Person 1) I would like to have a more in-depth and specific awkward conversation based on the awkward conversation you had earlier.

Person 2) For whatever reason, I am ok with this. Please continue!

Person 1) Right! So you know that minutial aspect of the complicated thing you were talking about in a broad general way during the awkward conversation from earlier, the cost of which is most likely forwarded on directly to your customer? How would you like to discuss that in a little more detail and possibly save $.50 on the unit cost?

Person 2) That isn't terribly exciting of an offer at all, but I'm too polite to abruptly end this conversation.

Person 1) Wonderful! Also! Do you like receiving impersonal form letters merged into emails with generic high-def images, large file attachments, and other thinks that will take even your high-speed connection a few extra seconds to open?

Person 2) Sure! My email address is first initial, last name at company name.com.

Person 1) Great! One more thing: Rather than just say "good bye", can we end the conversation with a volley of roundabout pleasantries to make it seem like this conversation wasn't tedious and annoying to both of us?

Person 2) You read my mind!

Most Unappealing Conversations in History Part 4: Canned Fruit & Other Secret Agendas

Scene: Subway train. Enough space so that people can have one empty seat to each side, but not much more. It helps to imagine Person 1 with the voice of Coach McGirk from Home Movies.

Person 1) "What ever happened to canned fruit cocktail, anyway?"

Person 2) "Excuse me?"

P1) "Sorry, I know I'm being that guy who just starts talking without considering your agenda. God forbid you have your own thoughts. I know, I hate it when people do that too. Whatever. I just noticed the Del Monte can through your plastic bag there and felt nostalgic for a second, that's all. I'll let you alone."

P2) "Oh no that's alright, I was just startled, that's all. You aroused me unexpectedly from my public transit coma, I suppose."

P1) "Yeah"



P2) "You said you'll 'let' me alone instead of 'leave'... my grandmother used to say that."

P1) "I mean, it's probably not even fruit cocktail, right?"

P2) "Huh?"

P1) "In your bag. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want. I can read a little bit of the label, is it mandarin orange slices?"

P2) "Uh, peaches."

P1) "Ahhh yeah... they were part of it, though. The fruit cocktail, I mean. Let's see, it was... peaches, pears, pineapple, green grapes, and cherries."

P2) "Yeah... and syrup."



P1) "What was your favorite?"

P2) "My favorite? The pears, I guess..."

P1) "Really? Not the cherries?"

P2) "Well everybody chooses the cherries."

P1) "Look, we're not talking about your hypothetical 'rooting for the underdog' opinion here. You're not a social worker for neglected canned goods, are you? Which do you actually like?"

P2) "Alright, cherries, obviously. What are you getting at?"

P1) "Nothing! I'm not getting at anything! Does there have to be something to get at? I just noticed your fruit can and it reminded me of my childhood, that's all. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

P2) "I don't mind talking about it at all. I'm bored and honestly I wish there were more spontaneous conversations like this on the subway... but I feel like there's like an inside joke I'm missing or something. Does "canned fruit cocktail with cherries" have another meaning I'm unaware of?"

P1) "Nope. At least not as far as this conversation is concerned."

P2) "Well supposing that is true... it is just an especially random topic. I know that subway conversation is generally about unexpected and unlikely topics, but this just doesn't strike me as-"

P1) "Doesn't having a 'list' of unexpected topics kinda defeat the purpose? Fruit cups are exactly something that would be subway discussion."

P2) "I was thinking more like why do books still have quotes from articles written about the book printed on the cover when everybody assumes the quotes are taken out of context or are from a questionable source... or old video game systems perhaps. Something other than this subway ride that we all have in common."



P1) "Yeah, I haven't read any books in a while..."

P2) "I haven't read as much as I'd like to. I always say that with all this time taking public transit, I should read more than I do. When I first moved into the city, I easily was reading a book every week, but I've slowed down in the past year or two."

P1) "My younger brother used to steal the cherries. I mean, whatever, he was only like 6 or 7, but y'know... if habits like that aren't ever confronted it could snowball into some pretty serious stuff."

P2) "I know what you mean, I live with my brother and we get in each other's hair sometimes. He's the one who recommended I try this short series of thrillers by this Swedish author, and I think that maybe a little honesty on the back cover about how slowly the story progresses in the beginning wouldn't deter anybody, as long as we know there's a payoff."

P1) "My brother is very successful and I'm proud of him."

P2) "Oh that's good. I wonder why they can't just tell us that sometimes the amount of detail the author gives is discouraging. I mean, I would still buy it!"

P1) "My roommate reminds me of my brother when he sneaks into my leftovers in the fridge at night and takes out the best parts of my food. I don't know how he guesses that the broccoli is my favorite part of any dish I make. I mean, I guess it's pretty obvious that I like broccoli, I always have it around, you think he'd guess that I like it and just leave it alone."

P2) "Maybe he just thinks that because you have so much of it, you wouldn't mind sparing some."

P1) "What? ... ... No."

P2)"This is my stop"

Lorimer's Reality

Lorimer was innocently preparing for work when a spirit with no sense of purpose possessed his mind and body. In order to differentiate this new being from old Lorimer, we will call him Lorimer Prime, or LP for short. All that LP is guided by are the primal urges of Lorimer's body, tempered by what he was able to understand of a philosophical conversation he overheard on the subway about the concept of "want" and "self" in the context of Buddhism and Freud's psychoanalyic theory. All he heard was the most basic principles, that the goal of Buddhism is to experience no feelings of want, and that according to Freud, our lives are an ongoing cycle of pain caused by want, mostly spurred by the desire to procreate, and eventually you die and stop wanting. This is what LP has to work with as he wandered through the city following his first natural urge: procreation. In these socially liberated times this is not a challenge at all, especially for an someone capable of possessing the minds and bodies of others. Once LP had his fill of sex, he felt a sense of equilibrium, which he interpreted as the cue to end his life. So he hopped into a cab and went to the nearest bridge... he left the cab and approached the bridge in full stride, but when he caught a whiff of a nearby pizzeria, he discovered a new shade of want. He devoured one slice of every topping configuration available behind the authentic Italian plexiglass, unsure of when his hunger impulse would subside. Once he finished vomiting in the alley, he found himself once again without want, so he picked up a long shard of glass with intent to plunge it into his neck. While searching for a place to sit down and efficiently off himself, he noticed how uncomfortable his pants were. Why would somebody wear such tight pants? He decided this qualified as a want and began a new mission: to find a pair of pants that fit. Once this want was satisfied, he decided to find an office building in the financial district to jump off of, so there would be no food or anything else desirable nearby to distract him. As he entered the cab, a girl tapped his back. Apparently she recognizes him from a "relationship" she must have had with Lorimer. Her name is Trish. LP decides to play along, as his sexual want had returned. Several weeks passed in this manner and LP was still active. Trish is talking to mutual friends and asks, "You guys notice anything different about Lorimer lately?" Sherry, another one of Lorimer's exes said, "Yeah... he got new pants."