Most Unappealing Conversations in History Part 4: Canned Fruit & Other Secret Agendas

Scene: Subway train. Enough space so that people can have one empty seat to each side, but not much more. It helps to imagine Person 1 with the voice of Coach McGirk from Home Movies.

Person 1) "What ever happened to canned fruit cocktail, anyway?"

Person 2) "Excuse me?"

P1) "Sorry, I know I'm being that guy who just starts talking without considering your agenda. God forbid you have your own thoughts. I know, I hate it when people do that too. Whatever. I just noticed the Del Monte can through your plastic bag there and felt nostalgic for a second, that's all. I'll let you alone."

P2) "Oh no that's alright, I was just startled, that's all. You aroused me unexpectedly from my public transit coma, I suppose."

P1) "Yeah"



P2) "You said you'll 'let' me alone instead of 'leave'... my grandmother used to say that."

P1) "I mean, it's probably not even fruit cocktail, right?"

P2) "Huh?"

P1) "In your bag. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want. I can read a little bit of the label, is it mandarin orange slices?"

P2) "Uh, peaches."

P1) "Ahhh yeah... they were part of it, though. The fruit cocktail, I mean. Let's see, it was... peaches, pears, pineapple, green grapes, and cherries."

P2) "Yeah... and syrup."



P1) "What was your favorite?"

P2) "My favorite? The pears, I guess..."

P1) "Really? Not the cherries?"

P2) "Well everybody chooses the cherries."

P1) "Look, we're not talking about your hypothetical 'rooting for the underdog' opinion here. You're not a social worker for neglected canned goods, are you? Which do you actually like?"

P2) "Alright, cherries, obviously. What are you getting at?"

P1) "Nothing! I'm not getting at anything! Does there have to be something to get at? I just noticed your fruit can and it reminded me of my childhood, that's all. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

P2) "I don't mind talking about it at all. I'm bored and honestly I wish there were more spontaneous conversations like this on the subway... but I feel like there's like an inside joke I'm missing or something. Does "canned fruit cocktail with cherries" have another meaning I'm unaware of?"

P1) "Nope. At least not as far as this conversation is concerned."

P2) "Well supposing that is true... it is just an especially random topic. I know that subway conversation is generally about unexpected and unlikely topics, but this just doesn't strike me as-"

P1) "Doesn't having a 'list' of unexpected topics kinda defeat the purpose? Fruit cups are exactly something that would be subway discussion."

P2) "I was thinking more like why do books still have quotes from articles written about the book printed on the cover when everybody assumes the quotes are taken out of context or are from a questionable source... or old video game systems perhaps. Something other than this subway ride that we all have in common."



P1) "Yeah, I haven't read any books in a while..."

P2) "I haven't read as much as I'd like to. I always say that with all this time taking public transit, I should read more than I do. When I first moved into the city, I easily was reading a book every week, but I've slowed down in the past year or two."

P1) "My younger brother used to steal the cherries. I mean, whatever, he was only like 6 or 7, but y'know... if habits like that aren't ever confronted it could snowball into some pretty serious stuff."

P2) "I know what you mean, I live with my brother and we get in each other's hair sometimes. He's the one who recommended I try this short series of thrillers by this Swedish author, and I think that maybe a little honesty on the back cover about how slowly the story progresses in the beginning wouldn't deter anybody, as long as we know there's a payoff."

P1) "My brother is very successful and I'm proud of him."

P2) "Oh that's good. I wonder why they can't just tell us that sometimes the amount of detail the author gives is discouraging. I mean, I would still buy it!"

P1) "My roommate reminds me of my brother when he sneaks into my leftovers in the fridge at night and takes out the best parts of my food. I don't know how he guesses that the broccoli is my favorite part of any dish I make. I mean, I guess it's pretty obvious that I like broccoli, I always have it around, you think he'd guess that I like it and just leave it alone."

P2) "Maybe he just thinks that because you have so much of it, you wouldn't mind sparing some."

P1) "What? ... ... No."

P2)"This is my stop"