Hunter S. Thompson Reviews Vegan Bakery

(GONZO is sitting at a table at “Flour Power Vegan Donut Shop & Bakery” as the lights come up, laptop in front of him.)

GONZO

After what was deemed a "fascinating but regrettably un-publishable attempt at journalism" in Las Vegas, I was sent… here.  I am serving what is ostensibly my punishment: write a review for "Flour Power Vegan Donut Shop”.  I’m here with the usual tools of the trade: laptop for my official thoughts, notepad for my actual thoughts, a pen with which to impale thoughts, and a snazzy urban backpack replete with 8 and a half psychedelic mushrooms, 17 flavorful strains of cannabis, 2 Pez dispensers of molly, an eye dropper of ketamine, a toilet paper roll dipped in blotter acid, and a flask of tequila in case I need to puke it all up later.  Vegans. These people are here for the same reason I’m here: something went horribly wrong.  They give up meat to try and diagnose their mismanaged lives, or they indulge in gastric novelties to distract themselves from discovering more things that just don’t matter.  Eat that faux-bacon-studded maple glazed pastry and maybe, for just one more day, something like love is still possible.  As though it is possible to experience love when love encourages you to continue doing the things that make you yourself, the one person in the world you despise more than all those other everything-consumers out there. Eat a vegan éclair or a pistol, and be grateful that no animals were harmed when the American Dream was embalmed with a non-dairy based confection.

How did I end up here?  Let me retrace the steps. 

(SHOP OWNER walks in, also wearing aviators and a vintage print shirt, so GONZO thinks he’s seeing himself)

Oh, there I am walking in… except I didn’t have all those goddamned letters on my forehead. I walked in, and took note of all the ads on the door.  They're all...

Swing dancing

Anarchist rhetoric

Memes

Union protest

Equal rights

Live Music

Acupuncture

DJs

Acting lessons

Meditation,

Social justice

Or SAMUEL ADAMS for short. 

(SHOP OWNER approaches GONZO)

Wait! What are you doing here? We can't just hang out like this.  Get those letters off your forehead, you’llmakeafoolofmyself!

SHOP OWNER

(Takes glasses off)

K… Well, let us know if you need anything!

(Approaches WAITRESS)

Wow! I want whatever donut you gave him!

WAITRESS

He hasn’t had any.

SHOP OWNER

What!? We need him to write a good review!  This decision to distribute through Safeway has been a PR nightmare! That crowd of protesters is growing every day!

PROTESTERS

(Offstage)

DOWN WITH CORPORATE GREED!

DOWN WITH UNFAIR WAGES!

PLUS, SAFEWAY DOESN’T TREAT THEIR EMPLOYEES WELL, SO IF YOU HAVE THEM SELL YOUR DONUTS THEN YOU ARE AN ACCOMPLICE TO INJUSTICE!

OWNER

Their chants are getting more and more convoluted, and they keep putting shit on the door. Go work your magic, get on his good side!

WAITRESS

I’m not sure I like the energy I’m getting from him!  I think he took a roll of our toilet paper… he’s creepy!

SHOP OWNER

He’s not creepy, he’s just… indie!  Go flirt with him!

(DEMON WAITRESS follows WAITRESS and mimics WAITRESS’ actions and repeats what she says in demonic monotone.  DEMON WAITRESS only repeats things that are flirtatious)

WAITRESS

(DEMON WAITRESS repeats)

I like your shirt.  You’re obviously very open-minded and confident in your… masculinity.  Would you like a menu?

GONZO

(Scared out of his mind)

Oh! Uh, OKifyouinsist. 

(Looks at laptop)

Why can't I get online?

WAITRESS

(DEMON WAITRESS repeats)

Oh, it’s that Occupy protest outside!  They’re “occupying” our free WiFi! Heh. Heh. Heh. They’ve also been “occupying” our bathroom.

(She leans in closely to place menu on table)

GONZO

Stop eating me!

WAITRESS

(DEMON WAITRESS repeats)

Hah hah hah, you’re funny!  Here, let me read you our specials.

We have banana glazed crendles, walnut raisinnnn sneaker panda-pads. Chocolate Kenilworth the layperson files. Sticky gender blocks.  Twenty nine-hotdogs, (pointing at him) Cheddar.  Enjehhh memr smems kibbeh? 

GONZO

Kibbeh?

WAITRESS

(DEMON repeat mockingly)

KIBBEHHHHHH tis!

SHOP OWNER

(Disappointed & peeved)

Kibbeh? Rumbut skumplebart.

(SHOP OWNER exits. WAITRESS and DEMON WAITRESS wander, and in the background do evil seductive dancing/motions.)

GONZO

How am I supposed to select a donut in these conditions?  Communication with the outside world is unfathomable! My only connection to reality is my own recorded thoughts and Samuel Adams at the door.  Samuel Adams at the... oh there he is now!

(Enter SAMUEL ADAMS, drunk as hell holding his eponymous beer) 

What do you think of the Occupy movement? Is this the sort of revolution you condone?

SAMUEL ADAMS

Well it seems to be a congregation of confused rebels chanting slanted facts and out of context statistics.  The American Revolution was a bit different… Or was it?  I could have been a passionate orator whose speeches incited a righteous and informed revolution… or maybe I was a propaganda spewing instigator, a manipulator of confused and angry mobs. What’s the difference?

GONZO

For some reason this is not how I imagined you at all.

SAMUEL ADAMS

Not so! You are imagining me right now!  Truth becomes a four-letter word when society forgets how to count.  This is what happens when people learn about you from beer bottles and Jeopardy questions.  The same thing will happen to you!

GONZO

You mean, most people are going to remember nothing of me other than my use of psychedelic drugs?

SAMUEL ADAMS

Frat boys will quote your work to sound smart, just like people offer Sam Adams lager at parties to look classy.  You have no choice so you should embrace it. Also, have you checked your toilet paper?

(SAMUEL ADAMS exits)

GONZO

Good idea, I need another hit.  Where is it?

WAITRESS

(DEMON WAITRESS repeating)

Aren’t you supposed to be writing a review?  We could really use the publicity.

GONZO

(Spastically looking around)

I could really use not being eaten! 

(Swings a fly swatter at WAITRESS until DEMON WAITRESS runs away)  

I think a toilet paper roll might have fallen out of my bag and rolled off somewhere, have you seen it?

WAITRESS

You mean our toilet paper that you stole? I put it back in our bathroom!

GONZO

What!? No, that was- Oh god! Has it been in use?

WAITRESS

You kidding me? With all these protesters coming in, not buying anything and using the bathroom… I put it back 45 minutes ago and it’s already gone.

(WAITRESS exits. While the protesters deliver their lines, GONZO takes mask out of his bag, looks at it for a second, puts it on, exits)

(Offstage)

PROTESTER 1

(Frightened)

Why is this water so far apart?

PROTESTER 2

(Accusingly)

Stop throwing those opinions at me, thought sprinkler!

PROTESTER 3

(Defensive)

Stop looking at me as though I’m sort of your construction site is ruining this neighborhood.com!

PROTESTER 4

Let’s all say “Rup!”

EVERYONE

“RUP!”

PROTESTER 4

Again!

EVERYONE

“RRRRUP!”

PROTESER 4

Thank you!

PROTESTER 5

(Announcement)

If I could. I would eat.  Sand!

End

Trash Eaters

You can say this is about Sarah Palin and you wouldn't be wrong, but you wouldn't be entirely right, either.

A man waiting at a bus stop with his 10-year old son saw a reasonably well-dressed woman sitting on an open trash can (the kind with a small hole in the middle of a flat 8-inch rim that is covered in splatterings from whenever someone missed the center). He suggested that she might want to move, since there is plenty of space on the benches and that rubbish bin is filthy. She replied indignantly, "Well I for one don't consider myself too full of pride to touch the refuse of society." Even though he didn't want to take the bait, he couldn't help but defend himself in front of his son. "I don't consider myself too proud for that, I just-" "Then prove it!" she interrupted. An obese, grotesque individual had been waiting to deposit the remnants of their breakfast into the can. The man could have pointed out that her symbolic gesture of humility is ironically impeding this person, but he knew such a thing would be lost on her. Instead he took the bag from the person and ate all the contents, some of which were half-chewed or touching heavily saturated crumbled napkins. She shakes her head as she slides off the waste receptacle, depriving none of her surface area the privilege of wiping the filthy lid. She said, "You must not care much for our nation." Then she directs her attention to the man's son. "You want to see what it means to love America?" She reached into the bin and searched for the most questionable and moist morsel and pulled it out. The man said, "You really shouldn't eat that, you don't know when they last emptied that bin and you don't know what that it is." She crammed it into her mouth and took her time chewing it. "It doesn't matter, because it was made in the USA." She encouraged everybody to show their patriotism. There was plenty of garbage in the can, and they found a dumpster filled to the brim in the nearby parking lot. The man gave up discouraging everybody and just waited patiently for the bus and told his son that what they were doing was dirty and uncalled for. Once the bus arrived, everybody piled in. Before long, people started throwing up, the volume of which was in direct proportion to their patriotism. Eventually everybody was too busy vomiting to do anything else, and breathing room was becoming scarce. The man had fallen asleep, leaving the son to act on his own. Without a word the child began eating all the vomit.