Thanks for the pen.
You're welcome, of course. Is this your work?
Yes, it's all my work.
It's very nice, I like it here.
Thank you!
It's really fitting for this space.
Thank you!
...
Just to be clear, I didn't mean that in any weird passive aggressive way...
Haha, I know
I know it could have seemed that way, like as though I thought this place was awful or something.
It's OK, you're fine
I mean, I guess why would I come here all the time if I hated it, right?
Yeah, totally.
Of course you don't know that I come here all the time, you've never seen me before. For all you know this is my first time here and I hate it.
No, not what I'm thinking at all.
And the place is under construction, so that adds another level to it.
Yeah. I guess it does.
I guess you just never know when you're being passive aggressive to someone, it's really not entirely your decision.
Totally.
Showing posts with label dialog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dialog. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Monday, October 7, 2013
Hanging Off the Edge of a Cliff
Man, you gotta stop doing that!
What? Pulling up people who are hanging off the edge of a cliff?
Yeah, don't do that. We'll end up dealing with a ton of people hanging from cliffs. We won't have any customers. Just people hanging off cliffs.
That's ridiculous, I was just trying to help the guy out.
You're not seeing the big picture here. If we're nice to people hanging off the edge of a cliff, they'll come back with their friends who are hanging off the edge of a cliff.
But-
Everybody's trying to look cool and hook people up, even people hanging off the edge of a cliff. Look, if you were a person hanging off the edge of a cliff trying to get some people hanging off the edge of a cliff pussy, wouldn't you tell that edge of a cliff pussy about where she can get pulled up?
First of all, if I was a person hanging off the edge of a cliff, pussy would be the last thing on my mind. I'd be too worried about the condition of my balls.
When you're hanging off the edge of a cliff, you don't care about your balls.
Anyway, there's nothing we can do to stop people hanging off a cliff from coming here. I mean, they built this shit right by that cliff. They had to know what they were getting into. This ain't the Biltmore, yo!
I doubt that cliff was there before they opened the doors here. Or at least it wasn't that high of a cliff.
Man, that same cliff has been here forever. Opening a store on this block is like saying, "Hey! People hanging off the edge of a cliff! Come and ask us for free rope." Anyway, what else have we got these courtesy ropes for?
They're just gonna end up back on the cliff again anyway.
But they keep the rope, so they can re-use it.
They're just gonna throw the rope out, or lose it when they're like on meth or whatever. And by the way, you didn't throw him the courtesy rope. You threw him the deluxe rope. If management starts noticing that the rope inventory is low and I get stuck counting ropes four nights a week, I'm gonna kick your ass.
Man, what you got against people hanging off the edges of cliffs, anyway? People hanging off the edge of a cliff say the funniest shit sometimes, you know?
What? Pulling up people who are hanging off the edge of a cliff?
Yeah, don't do that. We'll end up dealing with a ton of people hanging from cliffs. We won't have any customers. Just people hanging off cliffs.
That's ridiculous, I was just trying to help the guy out.
You're not seeing the big picture here. If we're nice to people hanging off the edge of a cliff, they'll come back with their friends who are hanging off the edge of a cliff.
But-
Everybody's trying to look cool and hook people up, even people hanging off the edge of a cliff. Look, if you were a person hanging off the edge of a cliff trying to get some people hanging off the edge of a cliff pussy, wouldn't you tell that edge of a cliff pussy about where she can get pulled up?
First of all, if I was a person hanging off the edge of a cliff, pussy would be the last thing on my mind. I'd be too worried about the condition of my balls.
When you're hanging off the edge of a cliff, you don't care about your balls.
Anyway, there's nothing we can do to stop people hanging off a cliff from coming here. I mean, they built this shit right by that cliff. They had to know what they were getting into. This ain't the Biltmore, yo!
I doubt that cliff was there before they opened the doors here. Or at least it wasn't that high of a cliff.
Man, that same cliff has been here forever. Opening a store on this block is like saying, "Hey! People hanging off the edge of a cliff! Come and ask us for free rope." Anyway, what else have we got these courtesy ropes for?
They're just gonna end up back on the cliff again anyway.
But they keep the rope, so they can re-use it.
They're just gonna throw the rope out, or lose it when they're like on meth or whatever. And by the way, you didn't throw him the courtesy rope. You threw him the deluxe rope. If management starts noticing that the rope inventory is low and I get stuck counting ropes four nights a week, I'm gonna kick your ass.
Man, what you got against people hanging off the edges of cliffs, anyway? People hanging off the edge of a cliff say the funniest shit sometimes, you know?
Monday, January 31, 2011
The Most Unappealing Conversations in History, Part 1: What are you
"I haven't seen the movie in a while, but I thought that his role in the film was to provide a revealing contrast to the admirable humility of the rest of the troop. To be honest I was tripping on acid when I saw it, so who knows!"
"What are you, one of those people who go out of their way to insert little tales about their experiences with mind-expanding drugs during a normal conversation just to seem cooler than everybody else?"
"Well what are you, one of those people who tries to call everybody out on things that they only notice because they know they've done exactly the same thing before?"
"Dude, I was kidding. What are you, one of those people whose unrestrained ego only allows them to detect sarcasm when it isn't at their expense?"
"What are you, one of those people who try to get out of looking like a dick by saying they were joking even though they totally were not?"
"What are you, one of those people who try to change the subject so they don't have to admit that they were caught exhibiting an undesirable personality trait that they themselves know they need to stop doing, and even though nobody was actually accusing them of the said undesirable trait they get defensive when somebody makes a joke about it, which they also know makes them appear completely out of touch with how people perceive them?"
"Well what are you, one of those people who use pop psychology as a mode of clandestine social combat in order to make yourself appear enlightened and confident while making your randomly selected victim look like a pathetic quivering slave to their own ego?"
"What are you, somebody who tries to confuse everyone by accusing somebody of resorting unnecessarily to polemics and describe their mode of attack using words with a universally negative connotation like "pop psychology"?
"What are you, that guy who thinks that just because somebody is standing up for themselves that they are on the defensive and that just being defensive by itself proves that they feel guilty about something; and furthermore you assume that whatever it is they feel guilty about must be exactly what you think they should feel guilty about?"
"Wh- What are you, gay?"
Yes I am.
Will you go out with me?
Sorry, I really don't find you attractive.
Oh. Ok well, bye...
"What are you, one of those people who go out of their way to insert little tales about their experiences with mind-expanding drugs during a normal conversation just to seem cooler than everybody else?"
"Well what are you, one of those people who tries to call everybody out on things that they only notice because they know they've done exactly the same thing before?"
"Dude, I was kidding. What are you, one of those people whose unrestrained ego only allows them to detect sarcasm when it isn't at their expense?"
"What are you, one of those people who try to get out of looking like a dick by saying they were joking even though they totally were not?"
"What are you, one of those people who try to change the subject so they don't have to admit that they were caught exhibiting an undesirable personality trait that they themselves know they need to stop doing, and even though nobody was actually accusing them of the said undesirable trait they get defensive when somebody makes a joke about it, which they also know makes them appear completely out of touch with how people perceive them?"
"Well what are you, one of those people who use pop psychology as a mode of clandestine social combat in order to make yourself appear enlightened and confident while making your randomly selected victim look like a pathetic quivering slave to their own ego?"
"What are you, somebody who tries to confuse everyone by accusing somebody of resorting unnecessarily to polemics and describe their mode of attack using words with a universally negative connotation like "pop psychology"?
"What are you, that guy who thinks that just because somebody is standing up for themselves that they are on the defensive and that just being defensive by itself proves that they feel guilty about something; and furthermore you assume that whatever it is they feel guilty about must be exactly what you think they should feel guilty about?"
"Wh- What are you, gay?"
Yes I am.
Will you go out with me?
Sorry, I really don't find you attractive.
Oh. Ok well, bye...
Monday, January 17, 2011
Unexpected Congregation of Bullies from 1992 in Your Living Room
The following scene takes place in Brad's living room in his downtown apartment at 2:30 AM, as he walks out of the bathroom.
Brad: "Wait... what? Who are you guys? How did you get in here?"
"Hey, Braddie-Paddie! We're high-school bullies from 1992, and we came in through your TV. You left the CW on."
Brad: "Oh. Well what do you want?"
"Dude, we totally heard you jerking off in there."
Brad: "Well I'm sorry you had to listen to that. Must've been nasty."
"Well we're sorry you gotta date Rosie Palm and her 5 friends cause you can't get a real girl! We recorded it and we're gonna pass the tape around to all the chicks!"
Brad: "Wait, hold on... you stood out there listening to me jerk off? The whole time? That's a little weird. I mean, I took a dump afterwards, did you listen to and record that, too?"
"What? No, don't try to turn this around, you're the weirdo who yanks his canker!"
Brad: "Are you saying that you don't?"
"Umm, No!"
Brad: "Well if you don't that's cool I guess... what do you have against it?"
"Uhhh, nothing really..."
Brad: "This is backfiring on you, isn't it? Just so you know it is understood and widely accepted nowadays that everybody masturbates sometimes and it's not a big deal. It also doesn't mean you are dateless. Many guys get laid and take care of themselves on the side, whether it is to help control their endurance or because they just have to supplement themselves because their partner isn't as active as they are. Either way, it's discussed pretty openly and with little to no judgement, unlike the way it was in movies from 1992."
"Really? I guess that's cool..."
Brad: "What do you mean you 'guess it's cool'? Of course it's cool! It's another victory for freedom and tolerance."
"I mean, that's great for mankind on paper... but don't you miss making fun of people for pulling their pork? Even if it's a little umm... uh, hypocritical?"
Brad: "If we're going to have this conversation, please stop using different colourful terms for it, it isn't that funny anymore."
"See that's what I mean... back in the less 'enlightened' time we could jerk off and also make fun of people for doing it and everyone would laugh."
Brad: "Ah come on, it was inevitable that the jokes would get old."
"See, when you say a joke 'Got old', there is really a lot more going on. What you're saying is that society has become too jaded, or as you say 'tolerant' to laugh at a straightforward wack-off joke, and that is scary."
Brad: "Why is that scary?"
"Dude! Don't you see how the concept of infinite tolerance could be manipulated into propaganda to promote communal anarchy?"
Brad: "So? What's wrong with people being completely trusting of and reliant upon each other without the need for supervision?"
"Umm, the fact that not everybody is honest? It is pure scholarly wistful thinking that could never be practiced, bro."
Brad: "Well we won't find out if it could work until we enlighten people like you guys who would rather make fun of people jerking off than try to improve civilization."
"See, I think you need sticks in the mud like us to protect you from yourself. Any anarchist society would fall into mob rule, and the only people with power will be the largest and strongest or the most organized. Where does that leave malnourished Bukowski-reading pork-pullers like yourself?"
Brad: "I would adapt."
"Adapt?"
Brad: "Yes, adapt. Any shift towards anarchy would be gradual, giving me all the time I need."
"Dude, society is a pile of dead and brittle leaves and acts of revolution are matches; and you can't just burn the individual leaves you choose to and expect to know the outcome."
Brad: "Oh what was that? You totally had that planned!"
"I don't know what you're talking about?"
Brad: "You engineered this whole conversation just to get onto this topic and use that line about the leaves and matches. Fuck! Can't I masturbate just once without this bullshit?"
Brad: "Wait... what? Who are you guys? How did you get in here?"
"Hey, Braddie-Paddie! We're high-school bullies from 1992, and we came in through your TV. You left the CW on."
Brad: "Oh. Well what do you want?"
"Dude, we totally heard you jerking off in there."
Brad: "Well I'm sorry you had to listen to that. Must've been nasty."
"Well we're sorry you gotta date Rosie Palm and her 5 friends cause you can't get a real girl! We recorded it and we're gonna pass the tape around to all the chicks!"
Brad: "Wait, hold on... you stood out there listening to me jerk off? The whole time? That's a little weird. I mean, I took a dump afterwards, did you listen to and record that, too?"
"What? No, don't try to turn this around, you're the weirdo who yanks his canker!"
Brad: "Are you saying that you don't?"
"Umm, No!"
Brad: "Well if you don't that's cool I guess... what do you have against it?"
"Uhhh, nothing really..."
Brad: "This is backfiring on you, isn't it? Just so you know it is understood and widely accepted nowadays that everybody masturbates sometimes and it's not a big deal. It also doesn't mean you are dateless. Many guys get laid and take care of themselves on the side, whether it is to help control their endurance or because they just have to supplement themselves because their partner isn't as active as they are. Either way, it's discussed pretty openly and with little to no judgement, unlike the way it was in movies from 1992."
"Really? I guess that's cool..."
Brad: "What do you mean you 'guess it's cool'? Of course it's cool! It's another victory for freedom and tolerance."
"I mean, that's great for mankind on paper... but don't you miss making fun of people for pulling their pork? Even if it's a little umm... uh, hypocritical?"
Brad: "If we're going to have this conversation, please stop using different colourful terms for it, it isn't that funny anymore."
"See that's what I mean... back in the less 'enlightened' time we could jerk off and also make fun of people for doing it and everyone would laugh."
Brad: "Ah come on, it was inevitable that the jokes would get old."
"See, when you say a joke 'Got old', there is really a lot more going on. What you're saying is that society has become too jaded, or as you say 'tolerant' to laugh at a straightforward wack-off joke, and that is scary."
Brad: "Why is that scary?"
"Dude! Don't you see how the concept of infinite tolerance could be manipulated into propaganda to promote communal anarchy?"
Brad: "So? What's wrong with people being completely trusting of and reliant upon each other without the need for supervision?"
"Umm, the fact that not everybody is honest? It is pure scholarly wistful thinking that could never be practiced, bro."
Brad: "Well we won't find out if it could work until we enlighten people like you guys who would rather make fun of people jerking off than try to improve civilization."
"See, I think you need sticks in the mud like us to protect you from yourself. Any anarchist society would fall into mob rule, and the only people with power will be the largest and strongest or the most organized. Where does that leave malnourished Bukowski-reading pork-pullers like yourself?"
Brad: "I would adapt."
"Adapt?"
Brad: "Yes, adapt. Any shift towards anarchy would be gradual, giving me all the time I need."
"Dude, society is a pile of dead and brittle leaves and acts of revolution are matches; and you can't just burn the individual leaves you choose to and expect to know the outcome."
Brad: "Oh what was that? You totally had that planned!"
"I don't know what you're talking about?"
Brad: "You engineered this whole conversation just to get onto this topic and use that line about the leaves and matches. Fuck! Can't I masturbate just once without this bullshit?"
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
The Board of Generalizations & Stereotypes
The following is a conversation from a call center. I should note that it was vaguely inspired by this article http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2010/07/the-end-of-men/8135/. Anyhow...
Hello, Board of Generalizations & Stereotypes: Division of Alterations, Updates, & Adjustments, what can we do to help you think less today?
(in a really obviously put-on falsetto) Hi, I represent The Interests of Women.
(Skeptical tone) O-ok... Umm, can I have your account number?
Sure thing, (rustling through papers) let me find it (away from the receiver in a husky man voice) Keep your mouth shut, bitch. (back to falsetto)Yes, it's... 1718FEM.
Oh, Ok. What can we do for you?
Yes, we would like to dispel Article 7240-Blue TS7: the belief that men are poor communicators who make ego-driven decisions because of their evolved hunter-gatherer instincts instead of being open to finding better solutions, which makes them a liability to have in leadership roles and management. I think that they should be given another chance to prove themselves.
And what is the reason for this change?
Uhh, because we're women and we have feelings. WOOO feelings!
Also, what's the deal with the colours in the Stereotype ID #'s?
Well using colours and familiar objects is just more intuitive... we're phasing out numbers altogether, actually.
I'd also like to have Item GD345 Red Cherry Grove re-evaluated: The one about men's competitive instincts eclipsing their better judgment and that is one of the reasons they are out of touch with their feelings.
Umm, ok, I can hear a gagged voice in the background. Can you please her go?
Dude! Come on, can't you just do us a solid? You're right there, nobody would notice!
Wait... So you broke in and tied and bound The Interest of Women with masking tape and stuffed her in a closet so you can dispel the stereotype that you are competitive and unfeeling.
That reminds me, I'd also like to dispel the widespread belief that men never notice irony.
DAMMIT! This is why I am stuck at this crappy call center job! Because people like you have ruined my reputation. They won't promote me because they assume that I'll use any advanced position to solicit oral sex from interns or that I'm just sitting at my desk thinking about my next hunting trip. I've been doing this for 5 YEARS! 5 YEARS! I should be the one making the stereotypes that prevent large demographics from advancing their careers!
Supervisor gets on the call:
Sorry to interrupt, gentlemen... but this unproductive "comiserating" will have to take place at another time. Maybe at a sports bar?
No, you know what? I'm glad you were listening to this because I've been meaning to bring this up.
Oh, so you're losing your temper and deciding to confront us about something? AKA, Stereotype 559 Yellow Fruitful Meadow. How typical.
See, now you're trying to make me get more frustrated so I am unable to organize my thoughts and my confrontation comes off as an unstable rant with no credibility that I'll have to apologize for later on. But I'm not supposed to know about Women's Stereotype 46C Turquoise Herb Garden, am I?
Very impressive ... that you found that. We'll have to consider you for a promotion.
Don't matronize me. I've been waiting for this moment. 6 years ago, in the summer of 2013, I lost my faith in your system. I am on a nondescript business trip and my father was walking through Bonburry Park... maybe you were there, the Board of Generalizations & Stereotypes was having a recruitment convention there. He shouldn't have been walking in such heat, but I guess that is him being a typical stubborn male... He had a stroke near the main pavilion, surrounded by Board members. Nobody noticed him right away, and all of you started trying to build consensus about the best plan of action. At first you debated whether someone should drive him to the nearby hospital, since ambulance rides are expensive if you don't have insurance. Of course he couldn't get a word in edgewise as he loses feeling in his extremities. He gives up as his speech becomes impeded and and the Board members at this point are debating quality of life issues, since the amount of brain that has been lost is now substantial enough that he will be wheelchair bound and most likely won't be able to speak again. He died that day, and I had to find a local nondescript business job to take care of my mother. This job was the only one I could find.
We are sorry for your loss because Article 74C5 Mauve Gentle Breeze, women are understanding of people who have suffered great loss.
I found another interesting article: Men's Stereotype # JK22: Men don't learn from things the first time.
Yeah, what about it? Can you disagree?
Well there's subsection G 11: "Men will leave empty Coldplay cd cases around to make it seem like they are sensitive even after doing so failed to work on your friends." And I thought, Wait a minute, that very specific for a stereotype. Where did you get consensus on that one? I did some research, and I discovered that all of these Stereotypes and Generalizations are based off of one guy in Wisconsin. This whole thing has been an elaborate manipulation to create the stereotype that women like to build consensus so that you can create your own stereotypes! You only insist on a consensus on things that you don't immediately benefit from! NOW! Using the passcode I swiped Tiffany's desk, I am going to enter the Generalization that women create generalizations and stereotypes using manipulative tactics!"
No! DOOOOOOOOON'T....
POOF!
Hello? Where am I? Where did everybody go?
"Hi, this is God. By generalizing and stereotyping about generalities and stereotypes, you have rendered all coherent existence meaningless. Everybody now exists independently on separate levels of generalization, where you will all remain until... you learn what makes you unable to be generalized."
Hello, Board of Generalizations & Stereotypes: Division of Alterations, Updates, & Adjustments, what can we do to help you think less today?
(in a really obviously put-on falsetto) Hi, I represent The Interests of Women.
(Skeptical tone) O-ok... Umm, can I have your account number?
Sure thing, (rustling through papers) let me find it (away from the receiver in a husky man voice) Keep your mouth shut, bitch. (back to falsetto)Yes, it's... 1718FEM.
Oh, Ok. What can we do for you?
Yes, we would like to dispel Article 7240-Blue TS7: the belief that men are poor communicators who make ego-driven decisions because of their evolved hunter-gatherer instincts instead of being open to finding better solutions, which makes them a liability to have in leadership roles and management. I think that they should be given another chance to prove themselves.
And what is the reason for this change?
Uhh, because we're women and we have feelings. WOOO feelings!
Also, what's the deal with the colours in the Stereotype ID #'s?
Well using colours and familiar objects is just more intuitive... we're phasing out numbers altogether, actually.
I'd also like to have Item GD345 Red Cherry Grove re-evaluated: The one about men's competitive instincts eclipsing their better judgment and that is one of the reasons they are out of touch with their feelings.
Umm, ok, I can hear a gagged voice in the background. Can you please her go?
Dude! Come on, can't you just do us a solid? You're right there, nobody would notice!
Wait... So you broke in and tied and bound The Interest of Women with masking tape and stuffed her in a closet so you can dispel the stereotype that you are competitive and unfeeling.
That reminds me, I'd also like to dispel the widespread belief that men never notice irony.
DAMMIT! This is why I am stuck at this crappy call center job! Because people like you have ruined my reputation. They won't promote me because they assume that I'll use any advanced position to solicit oral sex from interns or that I'm just sitting at my desk thinking about my next hunting trip. I've been doing this for 5 YEARS! 5 YEARS! I should be the one making the stereotypes that prevent large demographics from advancing their careers!
Supervisor gets on the call:
Sorry to interrupt, gentlemen... but this unproductive "comiserating" will have to take place at another time. Maybe at a sports bar?
No, you know what? I'm glad you were listening to this because I've been meaning to bring this up.
Oh, so you're losing your temper and deciding to confront us about something? AKA, Stereotype 559 Yellow Fruitful Meadow. How typical.
See, now you're trying to make me get more frustrated so I am unable to organize my thoughts and my confrontation comes off as an unstable rant with no credibility that I'll have to apologize for later on. But I'm not supposed to know about Women's Stereotype 46C Turquoise Herb Garden, am I?
Very impressive ... that you found that. We'll have to consider you for a promotion.
Don't matronize me. I've been waiting for this moment. 6 years ago, in the summer of 2013, I lost my faith in your system. I am on a nondescript business trip and my father was walking through Bonburry Park... maybe you were there, the Board of Generalizations & Stereotypes was having a recruitment convention there. He shouldn't have been walking in such heat, but I guess that is him being a typical stubborn male... He had a stroke near the main pavilion, surrounded by Board members. Nobody noticed him right away, and all of you started trying to build consensus about the best plan of action. At first you debated whether someone should drive him to the nearby hospital, since ambulance rides are expensive if you don't have insurance. Of course he couldn't get a word in edgewise as he loses feeling in his extremities. He gives up as his speech becomes impeded and and the Board members at this point are debating quality of life issues, since the amount of brain that has been lost is now substantial enough that he will be wheelchair bound and most likely won't be able to speak again. He died that day, and I had to find a local nondescript business job to take care of my mother. This job was the only one I could find.
We are sorry for your loss because Article 74C5 Mauve Gentle Breeze, women are understanding of people who have suffered great loss.
I found another interesting article: Men's Stereotype # JK22: Men don't learn from things the first time.
Yeah, what about it? Can you disagree?
Well there's subsection G 11: "Men will leave empty Coldplay cd cases around to make it seem like they are sensitive even after doing so failed to work on your friends." And I thought, Wait a minute, that very specific for a stereotype. Where did you get consensus on that one? I did some research, and I discovered that all of these Stereotypes and Generalizations are based off of one guy in Wisconsin. This whole thing has been an elaborate manipulation to create the stereotype that women like to build consensus so that you can create your own stereotypes! You only insist on a consensus on things that you don't immediately benefit from! NOW! Using the passcode I swiped Tiffany's desk, I am going to enter the Generalization that women create generalizations and stereotypes using manipulative tactics!"
No! DOOOOOOOOON'T....
POOF!
Hello? Where am I? Where did everybody go?
"Hi, this is God. By generalizing and stereotyping about generalities and stereotypes, you have rendered all coherent existence meaningless. Everybody now exists independently on separate levels of generalization, where you will all remain until... you learn what makes you unable to be generalized."
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