Joe & Debbie's Wedding Toast

Hi Joe and/or Debbie! Thank you for following my link. I will keep this here so that you may look upon it in times of nostalgia or times of strife so that you may reminisce as the pages yellow with time. Woah, what if there was an app that could make a web page yellow like paper in real time? You guys can take that idea and run with it, consider it a wedding present.

December 6, 2014

So Debbie approached me several months ago and asked if I would write the story of how Joe proposed to her and present it at the wedding. I was unsure of how to proceed, so I looked up how to write a wedding toast story on Yahoo Answers. They suggested that I put it off until the day of the ceremony, eat some cole slaw that was left in the sun for 12 hours, and write whatever pops into your head without editing it. So here we go. As many of you recall, the story of Joe and Debbie began literally 174 hours ago. Back then, Joe was about... 5 lizards and Debbie was 43 pigeons, if I remember correctly. They met right outside of That Restaurant Where They Only Serve Insects. Joe stood there staring at the pigeons (but only the ones that were Debbie), doing those pushups lizards do, hoping Debbie would check him out. Debbie approaches him, lights 27 cigarettes (the other 16 of her were trying to quit at the time) and Joe said, “I heard this restaurant only serves customers who are insects.” Debbie said, “I heard they only serve insects as food.” So they walk into the restaurant, only to find no insects at all. People were talking about insects, how they are ugly, how they are beautiful, how they are delicious, how they might have stopped existing decades ago. Joe said, “This sucks, there are no insects here, let's eat at my place.” “Oh,” Debbie replied, “I don't know if we should go that far. You are a lizard. 5 of them. What if you change colors on me?” “Please,” said Joe, “I am incapable of changing colors, so I paint them onto my canvas.” Debbie laughed at that line for 45 minutes. Joe knew there was only one way to recover, and I think you all know what he said. Everybody, say it with me: “You are like the first tornado of spring, I am a virile salmon king. Suck me up and spew me all over Arkansas and we'll grow like mold on mayonnaise”. Have more loving words ever been spoken? If that doesn't appear on a t-shirt soon, well, I'm just gonna stop wearing shirts! Anyway, the moment Debbie accepted those words, the 43 pigeons and 5 lizards that Debbie and Joe were started becoming people and less of them. Today before you stands approximately two people. Two people who are deep inside, still searching for insects with the intensity 43 pigeons and 5 lizards, together, just like the rest of us. Maybe some day, someone will find an insect, but for now, we'll just have to wait. Joe, Debbie, congratulations and may you always be the writhing supernova of understated eloquence you are today.