Me: Oh I'm going to read it and have dinner. At a restaurant.
Brain: Well, put it in a bag at least. You can't just walk into a restaurant with a book. Then they'll know.
Me: They'll know what?
Brain: Everything! All of your secrets! They'll know that, um... We'll get back to that. I think this just about getting attention.
Me: Attention?
Brain: Yeah! "Hey everyone! Look at me sitting at a table in the corner, quietly reading a book!"
Me: That doesn't make any sense!
Brain: You'll just look like white balding pseudo intellectual taking himself too seriously while people try to have fun and unwind.
White Guilt: Hey, black people can be bald pseudo-intellectuals, too!
Me: Not now white guilt. Not now.
Brain: What if the waitress asks you why you couldn't eat at home?
Me: That's not a question people working for tips ask!
Brain: Not to your face, but in the kitchen, they'll be wondering. Also guess what?
Me: What?
Brain: You assumed your server would be a woman. Pig.
Me: ...
Brain: How about this? If you can come up with a mission statement, I'll leave you alone.
Me: A mission statement?
Brain: Yeah! Something that justifies and declares your purpose.
Me: "I shall strive to eat food at the restaurant across the street from my apartment while reading a book for the purpose of intellectual and physical nourishment, utilizing all available resources, including food and this book."
Brain: That's weak.
Me: No it isn't!
Brain: Yes it is. It is too wordy, just like everything else you do, and it won't reach Millennials because it isn't social media friendly.
Me: I'M a millennial, and I am the entire audience for the campaign, and I accept it!
Brain: You're not a millennial, stop trying to deny your age!
Me: That's not even an anxiety I have! We're not having this conversation right now, it's getting late!
Brain: You're right, you should clean those dishes before they start to smell.
Me: Ok. ... Done. DAMMIT! You just distracted me. Now it's 9:30
Brain: Aw damn. You need to be eating before 10, otherwise it's weird.
Me: Oh yeah, you're right! I gotta hurry... WAIT A MINUTE! You just made that up. That's it, we're going, and-
Brain: Thai food.
Me: What are you- NO!
Brain: Thai fooooooooood...
Me: Black bean burger and sweet potato fries!
Brain: Thaiiiiiii foooooooOoOoOoOoOoOoOooood...
Me: Nope! I'm walking now!
Brain: Of course you would walk on this side of the road. So predictable.
Brain: Of course you would walk on this side of the road. So predictable.
Me: Made it! Hah! I'm here at the restaurant! Reading a book! It's not a big deal! This discussion is over.
...
Brain: You're holding the book at an angle that makes it look like you want everyone to know what you're reading.
Brain: Also, you forgot your keys again.
Me: Dammit!
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