UFO

The deepest fears of many rural Americans were confirmed this morning, as photographs of a UFO hovering around an airport in China were featured in the news. The fear is not that aliens exist, but that yet another entity has abandoned the American working class in favor of China. A deeper betrayal, however, has yet to sink in. Until now, it was easy for people to live in the shelters of delusions that we are God's master plan. Now that idea can no longer be rationalized as we are clearly not God's main squeeze, but rather the unstable whore God uses for target practice. Judging by the sleek spacecraft God has graced his "other" planet with, whom we shall call Sheila, it seems we are just an easy lay. Throw ol' Earth a few canyons and some grandiose music and we'll spend centuries bragging about it to our friends.

The relationship between God and Sheila, however, is very intriguing. They have been in courtship for many years, long before Earth came along. God is very broadminded, and once things started to grow stale with Sheila, God started to fool around. Well one such conquest, Earth, turned out to be quite a handful. Since God was never around Sheila became suspicious and built a space craft. You know what they say about an idle mind... and it looks like at long last Sheila has found God's mistress. It makes sense that God chose to show China instead of America, since the large population of Chinese Buddhists would reflect more favorably on the situation than America, with its current obsession with infidelity in the ruling class. God showed Sheila with the Great Wall, museums full of pottery, and a field of power generating wind turbines... all of this served to distract from Tibet, labor laws, and other depraved practices that highlight the naughty, experimental side God wants to hide. God knows Sheila is bored and would love to be full of torture, corruption, pollution, and hypocrisy, but the last thing God needs is another needy unstable planet calling all the time. God intended to conclude the tour in the Arctic Circle to show off some majestic glaciers. Just as Sheila was about to leave, they were paid a visit Sarah Palin, who had overheard them from Alaska because she had her window open. "Well gosh darnit, I had to see it with my own eyes. God! I would like to think that all the conversations you had with me and former president George W. Bush would have meant something. What would Jesus think if he saw this? You know... your son? Your only son, begotten by Mary?" Sheila gasped, "You have a son?!!? After all these years of making excuses... I was starting to wonder if you were impotent. And who is this Mary? She sounds like a real slut. I bet she had big tits, too... is that why you gave me two moons? I think I'm going to be sick." Sheila tried to keep composure, but the tears started flowing, and all God could say was, "Sheila! You're melting my glaciers!" This set Sheila off: "You know what? Fine, go ahead and have other planets, I don't care. I'll go be like those Hindu people you showed me, they seem to have fun. From now on I'm polytheistic. I'll go God-hopping whenever I feel like it!" Sheila left and God was speechless. Sarah Palin said, "Good riddance. Look at it this way: at least you'll always have us!" With no hesitation, God was off to follow Sheila and beg forgiveness, never to be found on Earth again.

Degradation

I treat women the way I treat boners: always excited to show them off at the Old Country Buffet whenever I have one.

I pick my women the way I pick my scabs: the younger they are, the more they bleed.

I choose my women like I choose my cell phone: smaller than they were three years ago and permanently set to silent.

I take my prostitutes like I take my salsa: chunky with free refills.

I use women they way I use my subway pass: 2 or 3 rides and then donate them to a needy homeless person.

I enjoy my women the way I used to enjoy free trials of Cinemax & HBO: all the orgasms I can handle for a few weeks until they ask for money, then I spend the rest of the year jerking off while thinking about it.

I take a girl the way I take a suicide pill: once.

I eat pussy like I eat fast food: convince myself that it is ok to eat the cheese, and wipe off all the sperm from those other guys.

I use women the way I use the toilet: one massive disgusting poorly managed load stops her flow, then I panic and leave it for the next guy.

I treat women the way people treat their pets: pretend they have a personality so they feel better about it when they have sex with them.

I treat women the way Snapple treats the general public: distract them with interesting facts that can't be verified at the moment so they'll drink the nasty juice.

I take my women the way I take Splenda: I see them at Denny's at 2AM and for some reason I take them home with me, but the following morning they are nowhere near my coffee.

I fuck women the way I brush my teeth: It's just what I tell people I'm doing while I'm really just sitting on the toilet thinking about life.

I handle my women the way I handle dreams: when they are around I can't seem to fully appreciate or understand them, and when I wake up and they're gone I often spend many potentially productive hours trying to recapture them. In the rare instance that I do, they aren't quite the same as they were for reasons I can't explain.

I treat women the way I treat pumpkins: I used degrade them and use them for sex, but I have since found that I enjoy them more when I give them a smile and let them stick around.

I feel in an airport men's room how women must feel at bars: surrounded by disoriented awkward men trying to act smooth when they really just can't wait to take out their dicks; and then they try to maintain dignity as they discreetly fart. Yet still even after this they want to be taken seriously.

I take men the way I take Prince: I don't really care what your name is, and I don't care if my friends discover that I find you attractive.

I do men like I do boxing: land one cheap shot then claim my wrist hurts too much to finish the match and then I go bragging about it to my friends about it.

I fuck men the way I play darts: I swear that I'm aiming for the Bull's Eye, but somehow I always end up hitting someone in the face.

Men are like bugs: they often come in my mouth when I'm sleeping.

I treat men the way I make paper airplanes: I fold them in a series of improbable angles for my amusement with no direction in mind, then I toss them and start a new sheet before they even hit the ground.

I do men like I pluck nose hairs: if it takes more than one pull I lose interest.

I take my men the way I take my coffee: full of my sperm.