The Board of Generalizations & Stereotypes

The following is a conversation from a call center. I should note that it was vaguely inspired by this article http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2010/07/the-end-of-men/8135/. Anyhow...

Hello, Board of Generalizations & Stereotypes: Division of Alterations, Updates, & Adjustments, what can we do to help you think less today?

(in a really obviously put-on falsetto) Hi, I represent The Interests of Women.

(Skeptical tone) O-ok... Umm, can I have your account number?

Sure thing, (rustling through papers) let me find it (away from the receiver in a husky man voice) Keep your mouth shut, bitch. (back to falsetto)Yes, it's... 1718FEM.

Oh, Ok. What can we do for you?

Yes, we would like to dispel Article 7240-Blue TS7: the belief that men are poor communicators who make ego-driven decisions because of their evolved hunter-gatherer instincts instead of being open to finding better solutions, which makes them a liability to have in leadership roles and management. I think that they should be given another chance to prove themselves.

And what is the reason for this change?

Uhh, because we're women and we have feelings. WOOO feelings!

Also, what's the deal with the colours in the Stereotype ID #'s?

Well using colours and familiar objects is just more intuitive... we're phasing out numbers altogether, actually.

I'd also like to have Item GD345 Red Cherry Grove re-evaluated: The one about men's competitive instincts eclipsing their better judgment and that is one of the reasons they are out of touch with their feelings.

Umm, ok, I can hear a gagged voice in the background. Can you please her go?

Dude! Come on, can't you just do us a solid? You're right there, nobody would notice!

Wait... So you broke in and tied and bound The Interest of Women with masking tape and stuffed her in a closet so you can dispel the stereotype that you are competitive and unfeeling.

That reminds me, I'd also like to dispel the widespread belief that men never notice irony.

DAMMIT! This is why I am stuck at this crappy call center job! Because people like you have ruined my reputation. They won't promote me because they assume that I'll use any advanced position to solicit oral sex from interns or that I'm just sitting at my desk thinking about my next hunting trip. I've been doing this for 5 YEARS! 5 YEARS! I should be the one making the stereotypes that prevent large demographics from advancing their careers!

Supervisor gets on the call:

Sorry to interrupt, gentlemen... but this unproductive "comiserating" will have to take place at another time. Maybe at a sports bar?

No, you know what? I'm glad you were listening to this because I've been meaning to bring this up.

Oh, so you're losing your temper and deciding to confront us about something? AKA, Stereotype 559 Yellow Fruitful Meadow. How typical.

See, now you're trying to make me get more frustrated so I am unable to organize my thoughts and my confrontation comes off as an unstable rant with no credibility that I'll have to apologize for later on. But I'm not supposed to know about Women's Stereotype 46C Turquoise Herb Garden, am I?

Very impressive ... that you found that. We'll have to consider you for a promotion.

Don't matronize me. I've been waiting for this moment. 6 years ago, in the summer of 2013, I lost my faith in your system. I am on a nondescript business trip and my father was walking through Bonburry Park... maybe you were there, the Board of Generalizations & Stereotypes was having a recruitment convention there. He shouldn't have been walking in such heat, but I guess that is him being a typical stubborn male... He had a stroke near the main pavilion, surrounded by Board members. Nobody noticed him right away, and all of you started trying to build consensus about the best plan of action. At first you debated whether someone should drive him to the nearby hospital, since ambulance rides are expensive if you don't have insurance. Of course he couldn't get a word in edgewise as he loses feeling in his extremities. He gives up as his speech becomes impeded and and the Board members at this point are debating quality of life issues, since the amount of brain that has been lost is now substantial enough that he will be wheelchair bound and most likely won't be able to speak again. He died that day, and I had to find a local nondescript business job to take care of my mother. This job was the only one I could find.

We are sorry for your loss because Article 74C5 Mauve Gentle Breeze, women are understanding of people who have suffered great loss.

I found another interesting article: Men's Stereotype # JK22: Men don't learn from things the first time.

Yeah, what about it? Can you disagree?

Well there's subsection G 11: "Men will leave empty Coldplay cd cases around to make it seem like they are sensitive even after doing so failed to work on your friends." And I thought, Wait a minute, that very specific for a stereotype. Where did you get consensus on that one? I did some research, and I discovered that all of these Stereotypes and Generalizations are based off of one guy in Wisconsin. This whole thing has been an elaborate manipulation to create the stereotype that women like to build consensus so that you can create your own stereotypes! You only insist on a consensus on things that you don't immediately benefit from! NOW! Using the passcode I swiped Tiffany's desk, I am going to enter the Generalization that women create generalizations and stereotypes using manipulative tactics!"

No! DOOOOOOOOON'T....

POOF!

Hello? Where am I? Where did everybody go?

"Hi, this is God. By generalizing and stereotyping about generalities and stereotypes, you have rendered all coherent existence meaningless. Everybody now exists independently on separate levels of generalization, where you will all remain until... you learn what makes you unable to be generalized."