SB1070, or, How to Annoy Tan People

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You stop to ask two police officers where the nearest large chain stationary outlet is... they ask you what in particular you you are looking for, but before you have the chance to give much detail, one of them starts to ask you for your paperwork. Anticipating this, you reach for your neatly organized binder, but then! The other officer says to the first officer, "Well now hold on, Chattle... didn't the training video say we can't ask them that unless we have something other than their skin colour and accent to go by?" You say, "It's cool guys, I have a student visa. I have my papers right he-" "Hold it!" Chattle sounds panicked. "If we check your paperwork, we open ourselves up to just as much liability as if we don't check it." He is quickly pulled aside by the other officer, "Don't tell her that! She could ask us for our badge numbers and then we'll end up just like Bladdsbury!"

You can't hear them, but you are in a hurry, which often gives people access to their better intuition... you call out towards them, "I'm not going to ask for your badge numbers or anything, I just need to get going." The other officer sounds less panicked, "If you just stay on that corner and remain silent, it'll save us all some time, if you know what I mean." Officer Chattle says, "Let's just look at her papers and let her go. She's in a hurry, she's not gonna ask for our information." "Now Chattle, you know well as I do that this won't just be a one-time exception... We will run into this many times in the future and I think that with each person we check, we should maintain reasoning tight enough to present to a grand jury." Chattle allows a pause, then takes his turn, "Alright Lt. G... how about we ask for her name so we can look her up without seeing her papers." Lt. G is quick to correct, "Nah, that won't do. If we do that then it'll show that we looked at her info, and if it turns out that she doesn't have her paperwork and she sells drugs and gets caught, we'll be responsible for not checking her documents."

A few other officers stroll by, every bit as menacing as they are casual in demeanor. You can hear them using their power voices: "Have you asked for her paperwork yet?" Officer Chattle explains the situation to Lt. Funbar and Officer Manspowitz. Lt. Funbar listens to the story without blinking. He is the master of the upgrade. Most people start out with citations for "Suspicion of failure to maintain seatbelt" but end up pleading guilty to "aggravated neglect of turn signal" or "advanced reckless lane change" based solely on Funbar's techniques. "Did you guys watch both SB1070 tapes? You obviously didn't, because you haven't given the good people of Arizona who support this law the amount of suspicion they deserve." Lt. G is quick to defend their already considerable effort, "We can't just go by skin color and accent, what else do you see?" Funbar reaches into his pocket and pulls out a receipt: "Hey guys, I have some mail for you. Oh look, it's the Letter of the Law. It reads, 'Dear Lt. G and Officer Chattle: I don't see you back there, are you still following me? I can't tell.'" Officer Manspowitz laughs and misses his mouth with the straw to his big gulp. Funbar continues in lecture mode, "There are other questions you can ask that can lead to suspicion. Follow me. As soon as she can't answer a question, you better fucking ask for her fucking papers."

All four approach you, and Funbar, the biggest oldest one asks how you're doing, but before you can answer, he asks how long you've been in the country. Without hesitation you say "I've been a student on and off since Spring 2000." Funbar has his arms folded and asks, "Do you remember who was president then?" You answer, and he comes right back with, "Can you name a movie that came out that year?" You reply with several, then he interrupts you with great intention: "Popular rock band Matchbox Twenty had a good album come out that year, but I can't seem to recall the name... can you-" before he can finish, you say, "Mad Season, with the hit single 'If You're Gone'." Without missing a beat, he's right back with: "They went on tour with Collective Soul that year, you wouldn't happen to remember-" "The album was called Blender, with the hit 'Why Pt. 2' which came out in October, but they did not tour with Matchbox Twenty." You even caught the trick. "But what did Eve6 do that year?" Scratching the corner of your eye with your binder, which contains your documentation, you say, "Horrorscope with the hit 'Here's to the Night'." "Ok, Better than Era-" "Alright!" Lt. G bursts in, "I am about ready to let this person go." Funbar pulls him aside and through a red tense crinkled lips unleashes his muffled fury, "This girl has obviously prepared for just this sort of situation. Just because we are both Liutennants obviously doesn't mean we're cut from the same cloth. She's 5 right answers away from being suspiciously too prepared for interrogation." The questions continue, and you unknowingly walk into Funbar's trap, and like any good student of the American Legal system, you end up annoyed, confused, but with a few feel-good tunes stuck in your head.