Pants-Free Light Rail Ride

I'm sitting (as usual) at Fair Trade Cafe watching the people gathered for the annual pants-free light rail ride at the station across the street. I have a complete panoramic view of the Roosevelt/Central Ave light rail platform, and there has formed one big congregation of people in their underwear either enthusiastically talking about how absurd and random they are being and what people who aren't aware of this annual tradition must be thinking, or they are enthusiastically intentionally avoiding the obvious subject to capitalize on the opportunity to add an extra layer to the random wackiness. About 5 yards from that large group of people is a girl, also in her underwear, standing by herself reading a book. Now, I am exceptionally bad at determining what women are thinking, but that has never stopped me from trying. There are two general scenarios that start as she arrived at the platform, which I will try to capture. From what I can gather about her appearance, she is around 21, at least in college if not graduated, and trapped between the parallel mirrors of spending money on clothes to make her look poor but not wanting to look actually poor so as to attract other people with enough money to want to look poor so they can look poor together. Blue-green underwear, evenly pasty complexion, good metabolism, walks a lot, but hasn't set foot in a gym since her Self-Esteem Crash of 2006. She approaches the platform and it is one of two scenarios.

She arrives with her pants off and observes the crowd:

"Ok good, I'm not the only one doing this. Shit, did I date that guy? Better stay away, that'd be so fucking awkward if that was him. I'll read this book to seem unavailable."

Or, she arrived with her pants on and observes the crowd:

"Wait... oh, that's today? Shit, I wanted to do that, too! I guess I still could. If I take out this book, I'd totally have enough room in my bag for these pants. Yeah! (She turns away from the platform and walks down a side street) Ok, I just need to find somewhere private to take off my pants and... wait, what am I talking about? I just need something to lean on, right? Though I don't want to attract attention... That car with the thumping bass would probably yell at me. Maybe I shouldn't do this. No, fuck that, I wussed out last year and regretted it. I'll just step into the double-doors of this office building and... why am I doing this? What good could possibly come of this? Is it a cool story? Will I make new friends? Get a date? I'm not doing this just for a Facebook status update, right? I guess it's just one of those bucket list things. This building looks empty, if I could just get through the door... it's Sunday, it's probably locked. What if there are cameras? Or people? Is it weird that I'm doing this alone? Fuck it, I'll just take off my pants on the platform and it won't be awkward. Ok. I gotta get psyched for this and make sure everyone sees! (approaches platform again and once there, removes pants in a bold grandiose gesture, takes a large book out of her bag and replaces it with the pants) I don't think anybody was paying attention. Shit. I was hoping someone would cheer me on and welcome me to the group. Maybe I was trying too hard. Dammit! Now I'm standing here. With no pants on. Holding this book that I'm not reading that no longer fits in my purse. (30 seconds go by) I feel weird standing here holding this large book in my hands. I don't want to read it, I finished reading it yesterday. I need something to do right now until the train arrives and I can sit down and feel less self-conscious. I guess I could read the last chapter over again, I kinda rushed it yesterday. (She opens the book and stares at the pages until the train arrives.) Wait... These seats are filthy.

Most Unappealing Conversations in History Part 6: The State of Movies

This takes place in the seated waiting area for a municipal building. Could be jury duty, disputing traffic tickets, the DMV, etc. Person 1 is thin and seems prone to the sort of sudden movements that drive peoples' dogs crazy. Wearing tight (but not "skinny") jeans and a fitted t-shirt that could only be what an underground artist tossed in the trash because the design turned out too Ed Hardy. He stole it from the dumpster and ostensibly hasn't washed it. Person 2 is tiptoeing the line between doughy and muscular, wearing a tight ribbed sweater and jeans that are so unremarkable and ordinary that some people think he isn't wearing any pants at all. Perhaps he's at the municipal building to fight a public indecency citation because of this. Both men seem between 30-45 and have never spoken to one another before.

Person 1: (into a cellphone)Yep, looks like more of George Clooney coming to grips with his age. ... Doing what again? ... Well that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the movie, I just... No, I'm not implying that you need my permission to enjoy... Grand Poobah? You mean from The Mikado? ... Well yeah, but where the fuck do you think The Flintstones got it from? ... Well perhaps you should. ... No, you're right, it's somewhat promising, but... we'll see. Yeah, we'll see. Alrightbye. (1)

Person 2: So you're going to see "The Descendants"?

P1: Apparently.

P2: Eh.

P1: You saw it?

P2: Yeah. That's all there is to say.

P1: Really? See I read the book it's based on, and I imagine there would be many things to say about-

P2: I'm sure the book is waaaaay better.

P1: You liked the book?

P2: I didn't read the book.

P1: Oh. How do you know then?

P2: The book is always better than the movie. I think you were right when you said it's just more mainstream George Clooney posturing.

P1: Well I didn't say it was posturing. I'm just tired of George Clooney being the emblem of "middle-age guy reluctantly having an epiphany" when there are plenty of other actors that could do these roles and not carry the stigma of all George Clooney's other characters.

P2: It feels like every George Clooney movie is the same movie. It feels like EVERY movie I see in theaters is the same 3 or 4 movies. It's like I'm taking crazy pills, am I the only one who sees this?

P1: I agree somewhat, but there are plenty of notable exceptions.

P2: It's all focus groups. I'm sure they have people like you in their focus groups as well. Don't kid yourself. I imagine they probably even have someone like me, too. It's all marketing. No movies are worth watching anymore.

P1: Well that's a bit of a rash generalization. Perhaps what reaches mainstream theaters and becomes a major hit is often garbage, but have you been to The Grimmet? At 19th and Chesilhurst?

P2: No.

P1: You should go there. They play films by local artist on Thursdays and Sundays, and foreign and indie movies the rest of the week. It's cheap, and parking is way easier there than at the AMC 24 at Gibbon's Square.

P2: But why is it so hard for these films to find a larger audience?

P1: Ordinary people just aren't comfortable with challenging films. Last weekend they featured this one called "7AM in Debresko" about the day-to-day life of a small-time arms dealer in a small city in the Czech Republic. Even though he sells weapons to inept assassins and psychopaths, you can't help but compare his life to your own. That kind of absurdity doesn't sit well with the typical viewer.

P2: Yeah but really it's just another movie about assassins, right?

P1: Maybe a little, but-

P2: So they're trying to be mainstream. I mean whatever, I'm sure it's alright, but I'm just tired of movies about assassins.

P1: Sure. You should stop by this weekend then, they're showing "Fifth", a documentary that examines the relationship between memes and society and culture. The name comes from Beethoven's Fifth Symphony, and a major part of the movie is a man with perfect pitch who goes around-

P2: Jeez it sounds like they're trying to be obscure!

P1: What?

P2: It sounds like they made the movie boring and obscure on purpose.

P1: Obscure? You encounter memes every day. For example-

P2: It's like every movie either tries too hard to be mainstream, or it tries too hard to be the opposite.

P1: I d- What!?

P2: I don't know, I just feel like I know why every movie is made. It sorta kills the magic for me.

P1: I don't know what you're talking about. Just last night I saw one that wasn't mainstream or obscure. Three friends who are fed up with their jobs decide to-

P2: You obviously don't get it.

P1: What don't I get?

P2: (Looking forward without expression) Just... the reason movies are made.

P1: I guess not?

P2: Enjoy "The Descendants".

P1: (Peering up at the monitor displaying his position in cue) I think I may. (2)



(1) Transcription of this conversation (if you want to cheat): Yep, looks like more of George Clooney coming to grips with his age. You're doing that thing again. Doing what again? That thing where you shit all over something when you only know like one or two details about it. It's annoying. Well that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the movie, I just- So glad I have your approval. No, I'm not implying that you need my permission to enjoy- Whatever, you're so the self-appointed Grand Poobah of taste. Grand Poobah? You mean from "The Mikado"? What? No, The Flintstones episode with the Freemason-type club they join. Well yeah, but where the fuck do you think The Flintstones got it from? Sorry, I don't keep wikipedia handy when I watch cartoons. Well perhaps you should. Apparently I have to. Look, you liked "Sideways", this might be similarly good. No, you're right, it's somewhat promising, but... we'll see. Stop being negative! Yeah, we'll see. You WILL see! Alrightbye. Bye.
(2) Try reading this again and imagine the temptation one may feel, being P1, to ask P2 "Are you sure you even like movies?" or perhaps "What movies do you like?"

Thought Bubbles

Inspired by a conversation I sorta overheard and chose to misinterpret the hell out of. Imagine a guy looking at his Facebook newsfeed. These are his thoughts and actions. It helps to ignore the annotations on the first read, then read the whole thing.


Trish is so hot. Click Trish's profile. (I)
Look at how hot she is. View pics. (II)
Is she single? (III)
Nope.
Does she still date the same bland semi-intellectual versions of Dane Cook like she did in college? Click profile of guy she's "in a relationship" with.(IV)
Looks like it. Am I superior to him in the context of my own value system? Click self profile.(V)
Yep. (VI)
I'm so hot. (VII)


(I)Trish and I used to have fun together. I should consider getting back in touch with her. Why did we never date? (A)
(II)What has she been up to? I will be more easily able to determine this by looking at her pictures than by reading her wall because the pictures cover a greater span of time than her day-to-day postings.
(III)Is she settling down?(B)
(IV)I wonder if he is like Brent. He was kinda annoying. (C)
(V)I wonder what she would see if she were to look at my profile. What would she think?(D)
(VI)I'm sure he's a great guy.
(VII)I lead a good life.


(A)Or whatever. I can have attractive female friends without any hidden sexual agenda. That's why I'm awesome. (i)
(B)Not that being "in a relationship" means you are "settling down".(ii)
(C)We had a decent conversation about The New Pornographers. Or was it The Coldwar Kids? I can't tell the difference.(iii)
(D)That is an innocently charming and not at all creepy thought to have, right? A refreshingly new mode of self-evaluation! (iv)

(i)That doesn't really make me awesome. If I am capable of it, anybody is because people are by default decent and moral and I am glad to be alive among them.
(ii)Not that there's anything wrong with settling down. After all, what else are we here for?(a)
(iii)I just need to listen to more indie music. Then I'll be able to appreciate the nuances that differentiate the artists and bands.
(iv)Not that I care. I'm totally free to think whatever I want to think!

(a)There are plenty of other reasons we could be here, breeding isn't necessarily the only goal of life. (1)


(1)Not that this is a rationalization of my being single, which is a choice I have made on my own in the unbiased realm of my mind, and not because I want to rebel against society or because I lack other options.

Daysong

Every day, the composer dies.
He leaves behind an unfinished score
Dangling, swinging, scraping at my door
Edited collected work of the flies
Sated from my corpse, though no more realized
Than the thoughts of my unpaid landlord

The flies that crawl into my mouth by night
Tickle my grin all day
My flesh, an investment, paves the way
For when their forensic larva take flight

My thoughts are loose change,
Ideas are laundry
The world is my pockets and couch
But conclusion is out of range
For I am not me
Until I can go without

Toast for Bedtime

I am an intruder
I am to blame
I am the burnt toast you take to bed
You try to chew my shame,
But your lips can't contain
So, my seed you spread
This is our symbiotic shame, we are one at its suggestion,
Our march is the same as sun's daily progression
It nourishes the soil we daily pass
And by night we toil in its diffusing gas
When we serve each other with coffee,
You needn't ask
For I am an intruder
I am to blame

Sunset, Better Than Fresh

They're blueberries and peaches
Smashed and smeared across the sky
Life can be waiting in effect
While causes are saddled
Bored, you defect 'round the bend
Licking a piece of the horizon
Darting to the land's other end
Firing a harpoon
Then bitterly clasping your hands
They hold only rope burn,
Now you understand
The location of my sweet tooth

Comforting Thoughts

You used to deflect the ground
Like a stone glancing at the bottom of a lake
Like it was just a distraction
Not a destination
Not a destiny
Not to land next to me
But somewhere in that horizon
The one I described with my teasing tosses
Then I cross the bridge of a million losses
Then there I was
And now here you are
Waiting for a sign
To put down the harp
And lay down the tarp
And talk at me
Of crisis,
ledges
Anagnorisis,
edges
And if I wasn't standing here bearing
Only a smock and a smirk staring
Then we'd fall from space, and give no chase
Then we'd have never been built in the first place