Reasons Why Wherever the Fuck You are Right Now Is the Worst Place Ever

I have some bad news, everybody! Looks like you live in/were thinking of moving to the most soul-crushingly awful place in the world. And I should know, I live here! Let me give you the scoop so you don't have to learn the hard way:

Who cares?

There is no culture! Everyone is such a snob because we have that museum district and that world famous opera house. I feel bad for the poor local artists trying to pump blood into the dead dog of this city's arts scene, but not as bad as I feel for the suckers who have to sit through their pathetic attempts at art galleries and live theater. It's like, if you don't have $250, or nothing, to blow on a night out, then you might as well stay in, drink cheap beer and have your mind numbed by reality television!

There are no major landmarks. It's full of major landmarks and they are such tourist traps, covered in trash, and their "keep the park clean" policy is stifling and downright Orwellian in its approach. I feel like if the paper sleeve blows off my straw, I have to chase it or an undercover agent will get me, and when I chase it I trip over rubble because it is so filthy! Uh, no thank you, think I'll just smoke some mids and pass out with my face buried in US Weekly.

Restaurants are so expensive! And they think that a cheap and ubiquitous local street cart food item that gives the city character can make up for this? Hah haaa! I laugh at your overly spiced fatty salty flavorlessly healthy local fare! You want ethnic food? Forget about it! You either have to travel to these sketchy neighborhoods spread throughout the city, find one of the places in a boring strip mall, or go to one of the places in that expensive neighborhood with all the restaurants. Might as well just hang out at home and drink brandy out of a paper bathroom cup and see what the Kardashians are up to.

The sports fans are obnoxious, you don't wanna be out at night when the local team is playing. The city doesn't even have a sports team.

Nobody is from here. It is so insular, it'll be 5 years before anybody even commits to remembering your name if you don't have 3 generations of family living within a 4 block radius.

Here's one piece of stupid graffiti I found. So original guys.

The geography stinks! You're near the beach, so everybody is such a braindead slacker who smokes too much weed and they are so pretentious because their beachfront property costs more than all of your organs if you were an endangered rhino. The city is amorphously sprawling because its not near a large body of water, and the damned featureless landscape brings in all these obnoxious outdoor sports enthusiasts. How about I just have bowl of oatmeal with percocets crushed in it and catch a rerun of Access Hollywood?

Don't even get me started on the job market! There is no major industry here anymore so everyone just works nondescript corporate gigs. The tech bros are so insufferable with their google glasses, constantly telling everyone about their production company and their affiliation with actors and directors, and they're all obnoxious improv comics! Maybe I'll just have some brownies with Vick's vapor rub baked in and watch football reruns.

The weather is like a… fuckin' boring… serpent of death… rainy… sun… strip malls... g- god dammit! JAHGAK;DFG

Wally Wilbertson is a self-proclaimed yogurt snob and life couch, and his work can be seen on Vice, Huffington Post, Elite Daily, and Fuhhhh. He got his MFA in creative writing at the Snupdy D. Bottlemyre Conservatory. Please hang out with him. He has a MacBook, a Netflix account, and hot and cold running disdain.