December 6, 2014
So Debbie approached me several months ago and asked if I would write the story of how Joe proposed to her and present it at the wedding. I was unsure of how to proceed, so I looked up how to write a wedding toast story on Yahoo Answers. They suggested that I put it off until the day of
the ceremony, eat some cole slaw that was left in the sun for 12 hours, and
write whatever pops into your head without editing it. So here we go. As many of you recall, the story of Joe and Debbie began literally
174 hours ago. Back then, Joe was about... 5 lizards and Debbie was 43
pigeons, if I remember correctly. They met right outside of That Restaurant Where They Only Serve Insects. Joe stood there staring at the pigeons
(but only the ones that were Debbie), doing those pushups lizards do,
hoping Debbie would check him out. Debbie approaches him, lights 27
cigarettes (the other 16 of her were trying to quit at the time) and
Joe said, “I heard this restaurant only serves customers who are
insects.” Debbie said, “I heard they only serve insects as food.”
So they walk into the restaurant, only to find no insects at all.
People were talking about insects, how they are ugly, how they are beautiful, how they are
delicious, how they might have stopped existing decades ago. Joe
said, “This sucks, there are no insects here, let's eat at my
place.” “Oh,” Debbie replied, “I don't know if we should go
that far. You are a lizard. 5 of them. What if you change colors on
me?” “Please,” said Joe, “I am incapable of changing colors,
so I paint them onto my canvas.” Debbie laughed at that line for 45
minutes. Joe knew there was only one way to recover, and I think you
all know what he said. Everybody, say it with me: “You are like the first
tornado of spring, I am a virile salmon king. Suck me up and spew me
all over Arkansas and we'll grow like mold on mayonnaise”. Have
more loving words ever been spoken? If that doesn't appear on a
t-shirt soon, well, I'm just gonna stop wearing shirts! Anyway, the
moment Debbie accepted those words, the 43 pigeons and 5 lizards that
Debbie and Joe were started becoming people and less of them. Today
before you stands approximately two people. Two people who are deep
inside, still searching for insects with the intensity 43 pigeons and
5 lizards, together, just like the rest of us. Maybe some day, someone will find an insect, but for now, we'll just have to wait. Joe, Debbie, congratulations and may you always be the writhing supernova of understated eloquence you are today.
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