How the Flu Can Save Christmas

Christmas season was laying into everybody as they tried to trudge through an honest days work, which has been made all the more intolerable by the people who think they're the first to recognize that stores are putting up their decorations and playing the music earlier every year. If there's anything more annoying and tiresome than seeing windows sprayed with fake snow the day after Halloween, it's having to endure people complaining about it. To make matters worse, there is a particularly nasty flu going around. Nobody had really witnessed or experienced the particular nastiness of it, but anybody referring to it was specifically using the words "particularly" and "nasty" to describe it. So at the first sign of infection, everybody was going to their doctor to get their prescription for Z-Pak antibiotics for a quick recovery time so they can get back to not enjoying themselves. As could be predicted, however, cases of an antibiotic-resistant strain of the flu started to breach 10 OClock news special reports across the country. Scientists kept up with the evolving flu for a while, but eventually the flu became self-aware and started sprouting limbs until it looked vaguely humanoid. Like everything that is man-made and loathed, the flu monsters bare a few indelible traits of its creator. When they aren't devouring people alive, the flu monsters enjoy watching reality TV and buying consumer electronics online. There were also a few isolated incidences where groups of flu monsters were turned away from Chili's and the Cheesecake Factory.

In the meantime, panic has taken over as people search frantically for a way to continue their normal lives without worrying about these walking flu monsters. It is quickly discovered that the flu monsters won't harm anybody who either has or already had the flu. Soon after this revelation, the original flu becomes a hot item. People begin to exaggerate their flu symptoms or even fabricate them altogether as a status symbol. Women in BMWs will roll down the window and launch a dark yellow phlegm ball towards the crosswalk while stopped at a traffic light. Men in chic clubs will go through several tissues amplifying every acutely angled nose cleanse while making eye contact with an attractive woman. It is especially popular to use this tactic on dates as incentive to seize the opportunity to obtain the flu as a result of spending the night together.

Amidst all the excitement, nobody cares to be annoyed at repetitive Christmas music, and nobody can be bothered with Christmas shopping or anything else other than their own safety. Parents are trying to make sure their kids catch a proper flu, and then taking care of them once they have it. Soon, everybody has the flu, and all the single people in the world are now in the bountifully snot-caked arms of a new romance. Come Christmas eve, everybody was anticipating a sound sleep without having purchased a single Christmas gift, fully satisfied in their Nyquil haze. Except for all the coughing. And then the nagging thoughts of preparing an explaination to their family and friends that being safe from the flu monsters is sufficient as a gift... not to mention concocting a plausible, G-rated reason that Santa Clause could not defeat the Flu Monsters (having left that to last minute), and that he plans to make up for it next year. News coverage has been mostly focused on the war on flu monsters, and very few have noticed the lack of reporting about economic concerns during this crucial time of the year, which given the lack of activity people assumed must be dismal.

The entire country was trying to conquer their restlessness as they allowed bumping, creeking, and other abnormal sounds pass by during the unwholesome hours of the night when even the Christmas movies have extended ads during commercial breaks that bad stand-up comedians poke fun at. Eventually, people give in and get up as the morning glow hits the last of the 5 grieving phases. Parents are preparing their surprised disappointment voices, and couples are winding up for their sheepish apologetic tone as they approach their Christmas tree/living room focal area/marijuana bush/wherever the exchange of gifts takes place when the nation is in for a shock. An unquantifiable mound decadently wrapped presents are piled up with great feng shui and grace. Actually, some people still begin giving their apologies and excuses as planned because they are too fucking jaded to notice something this amazing at first glance. Once the elation subsided enough to ask questions, people discovered that the presents were from the Flu Monsters, who had compuslively purchased trendy gadgets and indulgent food items and, unable to find a use for it themselves, gave it to those who had earned their brotherhood by overcoming the unevolved flu.


To make things even better, family gatherings were significantly less painful than normal! Not one conversation was reduced to "I read on Yahoo news that a survey found that iTunes gift cards are easier to use than amazon.com gift cards." or "You know what dad? Life isn't about things that can be said during job interviews and placed on resumes. I'm gonna live my own life!" Nor were there any outbursts of, "You don't have to whisper, I know that I got fat this year. Maybe it wouldn't seem so sudden if somebody would visit me every now and then!" People were just content to see eachother, and where there may have usually been awkward silence to be filled with passive aggressive comments or bland filler was replaced by tales of surviving the flu monsters. After Christmas, the flu monsters were nowhere to be found. But there was news that Apple, Verizon Wireless, and Williams-Sonoma had all purchased large shares of Pfizer, manufacturer of Z-Pak antibiotics.

Trash Eaters

You can say this is about Sarah Palin and you wouldn't be wrong, but you wouldn't be entirely right, either.

A man waiting at a bus stop with his 10-year old son saw a reasonably well-dressed woman sitting on an open trash can (the kind with a small hole in the middle of a flat 8-inch rim that is covered in splatterings from whenever someone missed the center). He suggested that she might want to move, since there is plenty of space on the benches and that rubbish bin is filthy. She replied indignantly, "Well I for one don't consider myself too full of pride to touch the refuse of society." Even though he didn't want to take the bait, he couldn't help but defend himself in front of his son. "I don't consider myself too proud for that, I just-" "Then prove it!" she interrupted. An obese, grotesque individual had been waiting to deposit the remnants of their breakfast into the can. The man could have pointed out that her symbolic gesture of humility is ironically impeding this person, but he knew such a thing would be lost on her. Instead he took the bag from the person and ate all the contents, some of which were half-chewed or touching heavily saturated crumbled napkins. She shakes her head as she slides off the waste receptacle, depriving none of her surface area the privilege of wiping the filthy lid. She said, "You must not care much for our nation." Then she directs her attention to the man's son. "You want to see what it means to love America?" She reached into the bin and searched for the most questionable and moist morsel and pulled it out. The man said, "You really shouldn't eat that, you don't know when they last emptied that bin and you don't know what that it is." She crammed it into her mouth and took her time chewing it. "It doesn't matter, because it was made in the USA." She encouraged everybody to show their patriotism. There was plenty of garbage in the can, and they found a dumpster filled to the brim in the nearby parking lot. The man gave up discouraging everybody and just waited patiently for the bus and told his son that what they were doing was dirty and uncalled for. Once the bus arrived, everybody piled in. Before long, people started throwing up, the volume of which was in direct proportion to their patriotism. Eventually everybody was too busy vomiting to do anything else, and breathing room was becoming scarce. The man had fallen asleep, leaving the son to act on his own. Without a word the child began eating all the vomit.