Tuesday, July 14, 2015

World's Oldest Profession

Guy: I don't care if it's stupid, I'm pissed off.

Friend: Well, OK. Wanna make a movie about it?

G: What!? No.

F: Right, all that expensive equipment, all that time editing. How about you write a short play?

G: I don't think so.

F: Yeah, too many moving parts, too many people.

G: Yeah, fuck other people.

F: Yeah! Plus, theater venues are pricey. So... how about you paint a mural?

G: Meh, visual arts aren't really my thing.

F: Write a song!

G: With what talent? I don't feel like dealing with picking up an instrument, it's like learning a new language. Plus I really don't like my fingers. Can I just stick with words?

F: Oh ok. How about you write a novel?

G: Christ, it's just an opinion.

F: Short story?

G: Meh. I want people to be there when I say it, otherwise what's the point?

F: Monolog?

G: Maybe. I like the part where it's just me talking to a crowd, but I don't want to deal with open mics at coffee shops or art galleries. The people are annoying, and if I don't go first then I'll have to sit through someone's poetry about tea or whatever. Can I do something where I don't even have to leave the bar? And I can just like, complain about how nothing is good enough? And somehow that'll make people think I'm brave, and like me, and get worried if I feel like I'm not allowed to say whatever the fuck I want?

Both: Standup comedy!

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Reading Kerouac

"For someone who's constantly moving, I always seem to find you." With no change in expression or posture, or even breaking eye contact with his food, Max replies, "I guess one of us has to try harder." "I was talking to the dog." Max has a Chihuahua mix he named Kerouac. Case and Max are in an arms race of snark; nobody is sure of its sincerity or its origin. Case gives Kerouac a smug victory pet and moves on to order her food and sit elsewhere. The Diner is a restaurant worker's restaurant: open late and you order at the counter, so you can hop tables and stay for hours without driving the servers nuts. Seating is outdoors with covered portions as permitted by the arid climate, with options ranging from picnic tables to furniture likely found at estate sales.

A man approaching middle age wearing a brand name polo shirt that fit well before he lost the weight he previously gained stands before Max in silence for a moment. "Oh hey, cool dog. What's his name?" "Kerouac" said Max, to neither his food nor the man. "Oh, like the author?" Max did not speak. "That's cool, love me some literature. Total book person." Max continued not speaking. "Normally I don't even go out, I just stay in and read a book, but my friends insisted I come meet them here." Max returns to his food then looks up only with his eyes as man extends his hand. "I'm Fred."

Case's approach to the table is heralded by the wobbly yet determined clacking of costume jewelry that could serve as the rhythm section for an avant garde Patsy Cline cover band, for which she would play several instruments if asked. "Sea! I got syphilis!" Meredith is waving her phone around; its case is the second item on her person to feature Pusheen the Cat. She addresses Casey by her name's latter syllable, and likes to invoke marine life because of Case's jewelry and usual color motif. Case fears their friendship has plateaued at Meredith's running joke of sharing her social media updates in person since she avoids social networking with a quiet grace for which nobody compliments her. Case glances at the screen. "Thank you for completing the 'What STD are you?' quiz!'" She giggles with her eyes closed and returns the device. "Well at least read it! I left the tab open all day. Do you know what that does to me?" Turning back to her phone, she says "Dan's here." Dan stopped by Max's table to scope out the dog situation, where Fred has camped out. "Dan, we're over here." Case waves him over. "Don't talk to Max dude." "Why?" "Just... don't."

"I mean, he's best know for his novels, but people often overlook his poetry." Fred was curiously knowledgeable since he got up to order a drink. "One thing you have to think about when you read Kerouac is that he was a devout Catholic." Max finally met his eye and asked, "But how does he make you feel?" Fred searched himself. "Oh, like diners and the open road." Max takes a calculated step back towards indifference. "Yeah, we're in a diner, he wrote 'On the Road'. I don't know, those are just facts, are they really important?" Fred tries to dig in, but politely. "Well you have to know the background, otherwise how do you know why you like something?" Max did not speak. "I mean, not that I'm saying your appreciation of him is invalid." Fred continues talking to himself. "But no, knowledge and history are important, you can't just ignore them for feelings and shit." Max uses a socal fry of unknown origin when he says, "Ok." Fred scoffs. "This generation. You can't just live in the now." Satisfied with this as his send-off back into the bittersweet orbit of self-imposed exile, Fred stands as dramatically as one can from a stationary bench to retrieve a take-away container for his formerly crisp meaty fries. Max tosses one to Kerouac.

"What, do I have to participate in your mysterious vendettas?" Dan lights a cigarette, as much for the nicotine as the possibility that someone might ask him to extinguish it. "Max is just a vendetta you don't have yet. Bastard takes up a whole picnic table to himself." Case pauses to check herself, then continues, but repurposes her outrage as recreation. "By the way, I caught you giving me the small town snub the other day." Dan fails at a smoke ring."Eh?" "On 4th, in front of Custard's Last Stand! I totally waved, and you did NOTHING." Dan tries to compose himself but the chair's arms are too low. "Ah, that. I'm just not the waving type of person these days." "But see, I think we get each other so much, all we need is waving." "I am post-greeting." Dan leans back to gloat over that one, but Case doesn't miss a beat. "You mean you're post-politeness, motherfucker!" "Sure! We encounter enough people every day that I think these check-ins are tedious, so I'm not participating anymore" Case pulls a deviant bang from a sweat patch, because it's 91 at 11PM. "You can't just choose to stop participating, the whole thing falls apart." "What, like universal healthcare?" Meredith emerges for a moment. "Holy shit guys, check out these goats!"

A woman sensibly dressed has introduced herself as Amanda and received permission to pet the dog. "I've been meaning to read Kerouac..." Max experienced a single chuckle that barely made ripples on his face but seemed to echo inside him. "Does anybody really mean to do something they don't do?" He spoke with a playful mock-bravado that has all the condescension of regular bravado but without the accountability. "Well I work long hours, then by the time I eat dinner I just wanna curl up, you know how it is. In fact, I am bravely working on a personal project tonight." Max laughed, somehow without acknowledging her comfortable self-deprecation. "Hey, I'm not here to grill you about your routine." "No, but you do have a point. How often do I follow through on what I say I want to do?" Max laughed as though to a highly respectable child. "You do what you want!" Amanda throws up her hands like day old fish. "Ugh! Sorry, I'm over here dredging up all of my bullshit." Amanda apologizes a few more times as her food arrives and she excuses herself to sit alone and work. She will spend at least 20 minutes chastising herself for blowing it with that hot introvert.

"No, it's more like vaccines." Dan dropped his cigarette butt into a nearly empty Mexican coke bottle that was Case's at some point. "You'll have to explain that one." Case fixed her posture. "If enough people opt out of it, we lose herd politeness. Rudeness all around!" "What if I don't want to be part of the herd?" Dan's ironic delivery failed to reach Case. "If you you think being a jackass makes you unique-" "I just want to have more meaningful exchanges. Y'know, like in New York City in the movies." Case leans back in her chair to catch a breeze on her face, only to discover a bounty of sweat on her back. "Have you been to NYC? All the conversations are an excuse for people to talk about their accomplishments. The way french fries are an excuse to eat beef gravy." Meredith rises again. "Poor french fries... don't they know they need no excuses? They can just sit here and talk about themselves all night." Dan shatters his posture, with his neck then with his hands. "Oh come on! You were in New York for a two week design & web development workshop. Of course you met all the yuppies! And anyway, that's happening around here. Conversations are an increasingly elaborate ruse to brag." Case's eyes lose their focus. "Yep. That's why I wave." She takes out her phone and thumbs through her email, entertaining biased thoughts about time zones.

A din of hissing meat on flame radiates from the kitchen as Justin, the only server working tonight, opens the door to deliver drinks to Max and Katherine, his new guest. Justin clearly fancied the girl. She was Judd Apatow movie hot, Wes Anderson movie awkward, and dressed like a Fellini extra. Unfortunately, so was he. "This shit'll melt the balls right off your faces." He was trying remind Max that he thinks he's a piece of shit but he is forced to interact with him twice a week, and he was trying to let Katherine know that even though they've never met, he feels that an authenticity was betrayed by her dialog with Max. Katherine laughed for all three of them. In this moment, both Case and Justin gave her an identical glare of annoyance and patronizing concern. Case tightly mouths "Indie Stepford wife" to nobody in particular.

Katherine is crouched and repeats the name in sensual deadpan, running her hands from his ears downward. "Kerouac... Kerouac. Wow." She lets this soak in and sits next to Max on the refurbished wood bench. "The fifties were just so..." Max said nothing but engaged with her in a deep eye voyage, sharing in the comfortable understanding that the fifties were just so... Sometimes they hardly know what they'd do if the fifties weren't just so...

Katherine asks with a measuring glare, "So what does Kerouac mean to you?"

Max sucks on his sensitive tooth for a moment. "There are two ways to eat mussels. You can embrace the delicious guts in your mouth by name, or you can distance yourself with metaphor." His hand briefly clasps the remote side of her waist then falls back in line as she strums Kerouac's table-tethered leash like a bass and replies, "They don't serve mussels here." "Exactly."

Case's table now resembles a busy petri dish, having annexed all nearby furniture, but Case has paid up and departed. Max and Katherine pass Amanda, asleep at her laptop, several fries and barbecue jackfruit morsels on a plate at her side like bottles of Jack by an aging rock star, as they leave together.

"Wait, where'd the dog go?"

Wrapping the leash around his wrist and hand, Max replies,"Oh, he just wanders the streets. Why else would I call him Kerouac?"

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

The Ocean Wash

The ocean wash was every word at once
I piss an unsteady reply
Wavy expressions of dotted light
Trail me back to an Asbury Park 7-11 parking lot
Rising whiffs of July tar 2004
Jersey shore aloe vera
Trash waits its turn to tumble
Wrappers weighed by cheese
I wait for a reason or forgiveness
As I drive further from both
Towards the wrong side
Of trying to lose what I never had
There was never anybody
To strike down until
There was no one left
To feel ashamed for

Night Time

Night time
Please rinse the day's color from my eyes
As you pour down the walls
Leaving memories behind
I promise I won't mind
If the color that dries
Is not the one advertised
As long as you carry
My makeshift raft to sleep
So I smell night time in my dreams
Whatever they may be

Sunday, May 31, 2015

How a Non-Nerd Can Enjoy Comicon

Are you one of the few people left who identifies not as a nerd? Tired of feeling left out of the joy everyone else derives from new film adaptations of comics? Do you reluctantly keep track of them just to have something to talk about at work outings? And now that Comicon has taken over your city for the weekend, your options are 1) Go to Comicon with friends or 2) Sit on your faded paisley couch and remember all the embarrassing thing you've done while eating baby carrots and turning the light on and off. Are you tired of having to siphon your friends' joy from the holes on their faces?



Well good news! You can stop sharpening your hollow, glee-sucking tooth, because I went into the field with friend and comic aficionado Kevin Patterson to devise a list of non-nerd activities so you can have a creamy wedge of fun all to yourself!


-Try to discreetly photograph people discreetly checking themselves out in windows. Start a Tumbler account for this. Get Twitter-bombed for "narcissism shaming". Be unemployable for 3 years. Learn to play standup bass.

-Wonder if anybody has tried to patent a sort of neck cone to prevent cleavage glaring.

-Punch yourself in the arm until you stop having feminist thoughts.

-When passing the badge checkpoint, cover your friend's badge with your hand and tell the usher "You don't need to see his identification". They proceed to tear up your badge as a crowd gathers to pick you up and wordlessly pass you crowd surfing style out the door, each set of hands knowing exactly what you did. For several months, you will keep noticing shadowy figures in brown robes in your peripheral vision that will never be there when you turn to look, and that your internet is running slowly.

-Finally deploy the "personal space invaders" pun in live action!

"When I grabbed a pen and wrote "I HAVE LOCKJAW", I figured you'd take me to a hospital, but this also works"

-When you're walking towards the convention center, try to see how far away from someone you can stand and discern their sweat beads because they're wearing three layers of robes.

-If attractive, do the speed dating session, then proclaim non-nerd status and see how many people try to downplay their nerd-ness. Then when there's 45 seconds left tell them that you really are a nerd and that you are paid by ComiCon to test nerds for authenticity, and that they can leave quietly on their own or you can have the nerd authenticity agents escort them out.

-Side eye all the clever t-shirts you'll see this year at once.


Warning: If you zoom in on these and read them, you'll expend the one laugh they are good for, leaving only groans for when you see one attached to a person, who might be really attractive or saving you from drowning.

-Realize that every possible dystopian and utopian future has been speculated and elaborately drawn, so you can go ahead and stop coming up with those.

-Wear an elaborate costume that means nothing and let people guess what it is, giving them vague but enthusiastic hints, as though you want them so badly to get it so you can emotionally abscond to your remote cultural cache and bond over your niche-ness. This is the Comicon version of talking about made-up bands with scenesters.

-Check out all the steam punk costumes and crafts and realize that you don't actually need to throw anything out anymore!


You can enjoy Comicon any way you like, but remember: if you think intentionally mixing up Star Trek and Star Wars is still funny, you probably also make archaic jokes about the virgin comic book nerd, both of which can be safely deployed at work on Monday.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Quiz: Are You Into Science?

1) Are you into... science?


2) If there were trading cards featuring pictures of science, would you have the complete set?


3) For first dates, do you have a science joke that you tell, and if the person doesn't get it, you don't pursue the relationship?


4) Do you end up explaining the joke regardless?


5) If a procedural drama series called "Ann Hydrous" came out, about a no-nonsense judge who won't allow water in her court room, would you watch it?
A) No
B) Stop stealing my ideas!


6) Did you move to St. Louis because the area code is 314?

7) When you see two letters in a row, do you greedily rub your hands together and think "MMMMMMHmhmHMMmm, these would look great on the Periodic Table..."


8) Speaking of the Periodic Table, are all of your friends saved in your phone by their initials, the first one capitalized and the second not?


9) Did you used to have a friend named Allison Burns whom you called "Pallison" for this reason?


10) Did you kill "Pallison" and then bury her in St. Louis?


11) Ok, forget that I asked that one. Is that a tattoo of Nikola Tesla? Are you totally into him?


12) This question is so you can tell us more about Tesla.


13) We're going to show you some pictures of people who don't science. Please relax and don't mind the electrodes, they are hooked up to some monitors. Monitors are science. If you are someone who sciences, they are your friends and you can trust them.


14) Interesting.


15) When you overhear someone saying they don't eat gluten, do you become friends to gain their trust, then sneak concentrated gluten into their food supply to see if they really have Celiac's Disease?


16) Do you have your own periodic table, but with different letters?


17) You look surprised. We searched your apartment and found your periodic table; got the warrant right here. Hey, calm down! We looked at your periodic table and were very impressed. In fact, we were so impressed, we showed it to our good friend Neil Degrasse Tyson, and he has a few questions for you. Send him in!


18) Hello. Yes, I am in fact Neil Degrasse Tyson. Thank you. Thank you, that means a lot. This periodic table is one of the finest I've seen. I just have one question for you. Where are they buried?


19) Come on now, you have carefully arranged abbreviations and numbers on a table with 18 columns and 7 rows of varying height. Well, the figures must mean something, right? Otherwise that wouldn't science, and I think I know what sciences and what sciences not. And well frankly, as it stands, in my eyes, you science not. So what will it be? Are you really into science, or are you just another poseur?


20) Nothing? Ok how about this: Question 16 is worth 100 points, and the rest of the questions are worth 0 points.


Score: 0
Well, I guess the humanities are more your speed.

Score: 100
Congratulations! You have the right to remain science. Come with us. We're taking you to your new laboratory.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

National Poetry Month Day 15 - Dancing

For my head returned on a silver platter
I'll do the Dance of the Seven Veils with Post-It notes
In the alley of shadow of the castaway moongazing drunks
You can write whatever you want
You might have sung my life while the angels were asleep
But what they were guarding was my laundry
From my Candy Mountain tour guide phase
And you can't wash that away
And they still want me to pay
And they still want me to pay