How to Tell if You're a Good Writer

-You're not wasting your time reading lists. Just kidding! Lists like these are a tool for self-improvement. Some might say they create a shallow, artificial economy of ego, a flawed way to seek deeply personal validation because they are crafted to create dependence, but in reality, people simply use these lists for perspective, and there's nothing wrong with that. The more egotistical thing to do is to deny this fact, which is an intellectually dishonest way of feeling like you're better than other people. People who say they don't read lists are the same ones who say they don't watch TV at parties. If you think you are better than everyone else, by all means don't read this. Go back to writing that edgy piece about selfies and FB photos of food.

-When you are reading a book, you are constantly thinking of ways to improve the text. In fact, you often will stop reading a book because you see so many changes you would make.

-People listen whenever you tell a story. If you really want to be sure, tell a long story and reveal esoteric details using advanced creative techniques. People should be captivated the entire time. If you want an easy way to test this, try telling these stories when people are busy and distracted. Maybe at the end of a dinner with friends when people are trying to leave. If they stick around, congratulations! They are captivated by your words. The more anxious they appear to leave, the better of a writer you probably are.

-Want another easy way to see if people like your stories? Read them at an open mic! If people think your story is boring, they'll approach you and tell you. People pretty much owe you a discussion. There is a tacit agreement that if a writer goes through the trouble to create something, the audience owes it to them an articulate critique.

-This goes both ways. You should always approach people and tell them what you would have done with their story. Even if it seems to be just fine as it is, it is always good to exchange ideas with other writers.

-When in doubt about whether people are really following your story, include a particularly vivid scene. Include a climactic performance scene and describe a round of applause and see how many people move their arms as though they are about to clap. Or write a sex scene and (discretely) try to see how many people are hiding erections.

-You often find yourself going out every night instead of staying in and writing because you find writing itself to be boring. There's nothing wrong with that! You are just searching for inspiration. Perhaps you make a habit of going to the same bar. You should definitely engage the other patrons in a discussion about your literary inspirations and your ideas for novels. Give people book recommendations, people love that sort of attention. And don't forget to follow up about them in a month, it shows that you care.

-You often find yourself having affairs. You see many narratives in the world and don't want to be tied to just one. Come to think of it, it is likely you have felt an urge that is unmet in every relationship I've ever had.

-If when you try to engage with someone you are attracted to at the bar, you often end up being misunderstood. Your mind is occupied with the synthesis of transcendent thought. Theirs most likely isn't, and that is OK!

-You often end up spending the night alone, ignoring calls from your significant other. Writing is a rather solitary activity.

-You often need to, umm, "relieve" yourself of your sexual urges. Again, writing is a rather lonely undertaking and you're probably pretty sensitive to distractions like sexual tension. And you don't allow your significant other to gratify you during these times. Inspiration is too elusive to permit such intrusions.

-You are very selective about the "viewing" materials you use for that last portion. A decent story line, and a plausible coupling. It is important that the male is as attractive as the female.

-You are capable of finding aesthetic beauty in the form and genitalia of the same sex as yourself, even if you are definitely heterosexual (you're a good writer and you know yourself well). You sometimes fill pages of notebooks with lines describing genitalia you are not attracted to, just as a writing exercise.

-If your significant other breaks up with you because you've been "distant" and they think you "need to find yourself". Again, solitary activity. This ALWAYS happens to me. I guess good writers should date other good writers who understand them.